Hey, Woody!
I’m really into feet. I love outlining the contours of a man’s foot with my tongue. Licking their toes sends me to the moon and licking the spaces between their toes sends me to Mars. I noticed the last guy I licked had athlete’s foot. This may sound stupid but I’m worried. Can I get athlete’s foot in my mouth?
NEED WOOD?
THE AGONY OF THEM FEET!
by Woody Miller
Hey, Woody!
I’m really into feet. I love outlining the contours of a man’s foot with my tongue. Licking their toes sends me to the moon and licking the spaces between their toes sends me to Mars. I noticed the last guy I licked had athlete’s foot. This may sound stupid but I’m worried. Can I get athlete’s foot in my mouth?
— Toe-Jammer
Dear Toe-Jammer:
The only recorded case of Athlete’s Foot-in-Mouth disease happened when Mike Tyson fought Evander Holyfield way back in the day. Oh, no wait. That was a case of Athlete’s Ear-in-Mouth.
Anyway, no worries. The fungus that causes “toe webs,” and scaly, thickened skin on the soles and blisters on the instep cannot grow in the mucus membranes of your mouth. The only thing you’re going to catch is bad breath.
BTW, you might tell your next foot soldier how to march away from the fungus: Keep your feet clean and dry. Wear shoes that allow air to circulate, change your socks twice a day, and let your shoes dry 24 hours before wearing them again. And if you’re showering at the gym, wear sandals.
Hey, Woody!
My boyfriend and I have been in a committed relationship for seven years. We have a great sex life but it isn’t unusual for me to wake up and find him masturbating. Don’t you think I have a right to be hurt, that this is a sign that he’s not happy with our sex life?
— Not Happy
Dear Not Happy:
Please tell me you’re a girl. Otherwise, I can’t help you. For the sake of our readers let’s *pretend* you’re a guy. That way we’re on a level playing field and I don’t have to explain that guys like to shake the steak whether they’re single or married. Or as most of my coupled friends like to think of themselves, “married at home/single online.”
Anyway, your boyfriend could be masturbating in the middle of the night for several reasons:
1) He may not want to wake you.
2) He may think you don’t want to have sex again (if you had it before you went to sleep).
3) He may just want a sexual experience without you getting in the way. He can do what he wants when he wants for as long as he wants without taking into account your needs.
4) You’re lousy in bed. Remember what Woody Allen said: “Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
It’s obvious that masturbation isn’t important to you. But it is to him. Respect that, and quit thinking it’s a reflection on you.
Instead of perceiving his masturbation as a threat, think of it as another part of him you can discover. The next time you wake up to a rocking bed ask him if you can watch. Ten bucks says you’ll learn to pleasure him better if you became a witness instead of a judge.
