Need Wood: I Don’t Measure Up…I Measure…Down

wood_bannerHey Woody!

I’m afraid to go out with this guy I really like because his last boyfriend was famed for having a huge d–k.   I’m bigger than average but I’m not huge by any means.  I figure I’ll never measure up, so what’s the point?  He’s asked me out and I’ve been avoiding him.  Do you think I’m being stupid?

–  Wondering

Dear Wondering:

I pointed my Stupid Meter at your email and it blew a fuse.  So, yeah, I’d say you’ve got some work to do.

Did you ever consider that your guy chooses boyfriends that meet his emotional needs rather than guys with big d–ks?

Yeah, me neither.  But still, you have to consider it.  The truth is, most guys don’t choose their dates by the schlong-meter.

Besides, you never considered that your guy thought his ex-boyfriend’s d–k was too big.  I remember tricking with some guy who was so big I thought, “I’m not going down on his d–k, I’m going down on his child.”

You know size obsession has gotten completely out of control when guys like you, who KNOW you’re bigger than average, feel small.  Sure, big d–ks are a turn on, but so what?  So is that space between a guy’s shoulder blades; so is the way his thigh muscles bunch together when he walks; so is his Fill In The Blank.

Focus on the real reason why a guy would want to go out with you—your beauty, your personality, the way you make him feel when you’re around him.  Realize that the size of a guy’s d–k is an attribute, like hair color.  Sure, you might prefer blonds, but would you really not date a brunet?

And get over the assumption that the guy who asked you out is looking for Frankenc–k, The Sequel.   Give him a little more credit.  Call him back and tell him you’d love to go out with him.  And then don’t have sex with him for the first few dates.  Get to know him.

Oh, and one last thing.  You know when you’re looking for conversation-starters?  Don’t say, *“So, do you have any hobbies other than s–king big d–ks?”*

Hey Woody!

I’m a famous bottom from way back and my doctor said I should consider getting an anal pap smear because I’m a candidate for anal cancer.  Is he kidding me?  Can bottoming cause cancer?

–  Sitting on pins and needles

Dear Sitting:

Here’s the test to see if you should get an anal pap smear:  You’re in bed.  It ain’t Thanksgiving.  Your tricks keep saying, “Whew, that’s one terrific spread!”

In other words, RUN, don’t walk and get smeared.  Research shows that men who engage in receptive anal sex are 30 times likelier to get anal cancer than those who don’t.  And if you’re HIV-positive you’re at an even higher risk.  Anal cancer is fatal.  Most sexually active gay men carry this virus, which tends to lie dormant and causes no harm.

If you keep hearing, “Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?” and it’s not your father talking to your mother about a dinner party, you need to get an anal pap smear every two or three years.  That’s if you’re HIV-negative.  If you’re HIV-positive, you need it annually.