Hollywood Inside & Out December 26, 2013

hollywood_ban“I have the biggest crush on Jonathan Knight.  Yes, I know he’s gay and has a boyfriend.  But I’m one of those women who waits for the man to not have a boyfriend!” - Kirstie Alley reveals her love for a certain New Kid on the Block.  This isn’t really all that shocking – it certainly wouldn’t be the first time Alley’s had a gay love interest – onscreen or off.

You wouldn’t normally expect to get into the holiday season in Hollywood, but think again people.  This year, Billy Masters did more in LA than just his usual ho-ho-whoring.  My brief visit to the Left Coast was chock full of festive fabulousness.  Most of them revolved around the theatre.  From “Parfumerie” in Beverly Hills, “Aladdin and his Winter Wish” in Pasadena, and Leslie Jordan in Hollywood, it was oodles of fun from beginning to end.  You can read detailed reviews of all of these shows on BillyMasters.com.

While in LA, I finally got to see Bette Midler embody super agent Sue Mengers in “I’ll Eat You Last”.  As marvelous as she was, I wondered what she would do next career-wise.  I didn’t have hollywood_stripto wait long – Midler just signed a deal with HBO to make a movie about the legendary Mae West!  Isn’t that divine?  It will be based on Mae’s autobiography, “Goodness Had Nothing To Do With It” and will likely focus on her later years.  Can’t you just picture Bette as Mae belting out “Love Will Keep Us Together”?  Whatever!  Maybe they’ll get Timothy Dalton to appear!  The script will be written by Harvey Fierstein.  I can’t think of a better collaborator.

In what I think is an inspired idea, Fran Drescher will soon be making her Broadway debut.  Starting on February 4th, the flashy girl from Flushing will join the cast of “Cinderella” playing the Wicked Stepmother for a two-month run.  I can’t wait – and so close to my birthday!

These days, even celebrity spawn show up in musicals.  Madonna’s lookalike daughter Lourdes just played Rizzo in “Grease” at the LaGuardia High School of the Performing Arts in NYC.  And there was Madonna on opening night, with Lourdes’ siblings Rocco, David and Mercy and dad Carlos.  The “NY Daily News” theatre critic called Lourdes “terrific”.  Who knew they review high school shows?  Since we’ve gotten ahold of her singing “There Are Worse Things I Could Do”, you can judge for yourself at BillyMasters.com.

I must make a confession – I’ve enjoyed every short-lived television show Matthew Perry has done since “Friends”.  Alas, the American people don’t share my enthusiasm.  But as sure as night follows day, I know that a new TV season will bring yet another Matthew Perry project.  This time, the material is something familiar.  CBS is planning a new version of “The Odd Couple” for Perry.  Now, if Showtime would cancel “Episodes”, Matt LeBlanc could star alongside his TV roomie.  Of course, that would require some fancy footwork since Matthew Perry has been cast as Oscar Madison.  I’m told an extensive search is on for the perfect Felix Unger.

Say what you will about Sean Hayes, but the boy simply won’t go down without a fight.  Despite the tepid response to his sitcom, “Sean Saves the World”, the show is not only improving in the ratings but also in the quality of the scripts.  Helping to generate buzz for the second half of the season is a flurry of fabulous guest stars.  Portia de Rossi will be playing Sean’s oft-mentioned ex-wife in three episodes.  His “Will & Grace” cohort Megan Mullally has been cast as his sister in an upcoming episode.  And the dreamy Guy Pearce will pop in as a potential love interest this spring.  If that doesn’t help, nothing will.  But if they decide to cancel the show, I think Sean could bounce back rather quickly as the perfect Felix Unger on this reboot of “The Odd Couple.”

Bruce Jenner has admitted he’s undergoing a bit of cosmetic surgery.  Yes, I’m sure Jenner going under the knife is shocking news.  The fascinating thing is he’s confirmed his next procedure – getting his Adam’s Apple shaved.  I’ve heard of people shaving off a beard, but this is ridiculous.  It’s been noted that this is a procedure traditionally done on patients undergoing gender reassignment…or anchors on FOX News.  Since Bruce seems to be slowly morphing into a middle-aged woman, it gives one pause.  Jenner, however, dismisses this conjecture by stating, “I just never liked my trachea.”.  Methinks he also never liked his eyes, his brow, his nose, and his cheeks.

A trio of beauteous boys warrant special attention this week.  First off,  Colton Haynes (formerly a homoerotic model for “XY” magazine) took time off from his “Arrow” duties to attend a fundraiser for St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital.  Since it was a holiday-themed event, Colton got into the spirit of things by sitting on Santa’s lap.  Ho-ho-ho, indeed.

The lovely Ryan Carnes is returning to “General Hospital” where he’ll once again portray the role of Lucas Jones, the son of Julian Jerome.  Since I am a CBS soap watcher, I don’t know who any of these characters are.  But I certainly remember Ryan Carnes – not only from “Desperate Housewives”, but also from the first “Eating Out” film, where he showed all….and I do mean all.

Lastly, Nolan Gerard Funk just shot an ad campaign for Versace’s Spring 2014 collection.  Not surprisingly, the photos are incredibly impressive – and of course I’m talking about the barely-there underwear shots which show off the taut torso of one of WeHo’s most popular go-go boys.  Donatella even woke up long enough to yell, “Get out!” – presumably she was referring to the closet.  Check out every inch of all three guys on BillyMasters.com.

When I’m bringing in the holidays and da Funk (something I never get tired of saying), it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  OK, this is it – the final few days before Christmas.  You know what makes the perfect last-minute gift for anyone on your list?  A subscription to www.BillyMasters.com – the site that stuffs more than just your stocking.  And I even take requests – well, not so much requests as answer questions.  So send them along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Lourdes helms next year’s live musical telecast on NBC (“Grease” is under serious consideration).  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.