Need Wood: The Agony of a Kidney Stone

wood_banHey, Woody!

I just got over a recent kidney stone episode.  You haven’t lived till you’ve had to pee out a stone.  It’s the most painful thing I’ve ever gone through, including reading some of your asinine columns.  Not really, I love your stuff—just trying to out-wood you.  Anyway, ever since the kidney stone passed, my c-m doesn’t seem to be the pearly-white it once was.  It’s now sometimes rather yellowish and sometimes a fleck of blood shows up.  How can I get my milk to look like milk again?

–  Your devoted but discolored fan

Dear Devoted:

Doctors agree–kidney stones are one of the most painful things a man can go through.  Other than seeing a close-up of Miley Cyrus’ tongue, I mean.  I’d rather have a boulder pass through my urethra than seeing that thing again.

Kidney stones are one of the most common urinary tract disorders.  About 10 percent of Americans will suffer from it.  Mostly they’re men aged 20-40.  Sound familiar?

Kidneys sop up extra water and wastes from the blood, converting it to urine.  A stone develops from crystals that separate from urine and build up on the inner surfaces of the kidney.  Normally, urine contains chemicals that prevent or inhibit the crystals from forming. If the crystals remain tiny enough (and most do), you’ll just piss them out without even knowing it.

But a lot don’t.  And if you think getting hit over the head with the unabridged edition of The History of Miley Cyrus’ Tongue is painful, wait till you have a stone get lodged in the middle of your d–k. The sharp, cramping pain is so awful that a lot of people become nauseous and vomit.  Again, I’m talking about the stones, not Her Tongue.

How do you prevent it?  First, you have to get rid of all your drugs and pornography.  Send them to me for safekeeping.  Next, forget about diets – it’s a myth that you can avoid “getting stoned” by staying away from certain foods.  Or going toward them.  Cranberry juice?  A myth.  Good for urinary tract infections, but not for preventing stones.

How do you prevent it?  One word:  Water.  It’s a good idea to produce at least 2 quarts of urine in a 24-hour period.

Now as for your c-m, the blood flecks worry my docs.  They said it could be a sign of yet another stone (if you have it once you have a HIGH probability of getting it again).  Get it checked out.  The kidneys don’t affect the color of your man milk.  However, it could be the medication you’ve been taking for the stones.  Use it up, wait a few weeks and see what happens.

Hey, Woody!

My boyfriend and I are trying to figure out if we should live with each other.  I see it as an unspoken engagement but I have a feeling he sees it as a good way of saving rent and getting free sex.   How do we figure out if we’ve got what it takes to live together? 

–  Wanting a commitment

Dear Wanting:

“Free sex?”  You’ve gotta be kidding me.  What, were you charging by the stroke before you fell in love?

Buy the book “Unmarried to Each Other:  The Essential Guide to Living Together as an Unmarried Couple.”  It’s mostly for straight people but they address gay couples, too.  They’ve got some great tips on figuring out whether you’re ready for “unmarriage.”