Need Wood: This Time Baby, I’ll Be Dump-Proof
My birthday is coming up and once again I’m falling into a pit of despair. Not only am I alone but I’ve come to realize that I’ve been dumped in every relationship I’ve ever had. I’ve got two questions: 1) How can I get the man of my dreams? 2) How can I make myself dump-proof?
— Dreading VD Day
I specialize in getting people laid, not loved. So I turned to Lisa Daily, who wrote a hilarious book called Stop Getting Dumped! All You Need to Know to Make Men Fall Madly in Love with You and Marry “THE ONE” in 3 Years or Less.
Basically, she’s me with a wig and high heels. Only funnier and more insightful. I hate her. Here are the transcripts of our conversation about you:
Woody: So tell us your step-by-step, man-tested, mother-approved method for meeting and maintaining Mr. Right.
Lisa: First, never ask a man on a date. Ever. He might see you as an easy mark for sex.
Woody: Uhm, Lisa?
Lisa: Woody, not every man is a two-bit whore.
Woody: I prefer “low cost provider.”
Lisa: Anyway, you should always toy with your man. Think of it this way: You have a cat, and he has a little rubber mouse toy. What’s more fun for him? When you plop it down right in front of him, or when you tie it to a string, dangle it just out of paw’s reach and run around the house like a lunatic while he chases it?
Woody: You’re not big on sympathy, are you?
Lisa: Yes, it’s in the dictionary between sh-t and syphilis. Now, never offer a man your telephone number. If he asks, don’t hunt down a pen or scrounge through the bar looking for a piece of paper. Let him do that.
Woody: And my readers think *I’m* cruel?
Lisa: Hey, here’s the dating formula: Extra Effort = Bigger Payoff. Now, never accept a date unless the man has asked you out at least 48 hours in advance. It lets him know you’ve got a full life and avoids the Friday night Mayday Man call. When he does call, end the phone conversation first. You’ll leave him craving for more. Same with dates. Always be the one to end the date.
Woody: Oh, you hateful witch! I think I’m in love.
Lisa: See? My methods work. Now get a load of this: Men associate the scents of cinnamon and vanilla with love. About an hour before your date arrives to pick you up pop those ready-made cinnamon rolls in the oven.
Woody: We’re gay. We’ll bake our own, thank you.
Lisa: Who are you kidding, woody? You don’t cook. You think lube is a food group. Use vanilla and cinnamon air-fresheners or candles.
Woody: Do not try to out-wood me, woman!
Lisa: You want your readers to tie the knot or not?
Woody: I want them hung, Lisa.
Lisa: Then make sure they don’t have sex for the first month.
Woody: *(Editor, please don’t print that last recommendation)*
Editor: F–k you, Woody. She’s right. By waiting you have time to figure out whether an emotional investment is worth it.
Woody: Editor, let’s meet halfway. She says no sex for the first month. I say no sex for the first hour.
Lisa: Thanks, Editor. If your readers have a hard time with delaying sexual gratification there’s a great way to avoid it: Wear dirty underwear. That’ll keep your knees together.
Woody: You’re killing me, here!
Lisa: Last thing, never say the word “marriage” to a man you’re dating.
Woody: Or syphilis. You’ll get the same reaction. Well, thanks, Lisa. Good luck with your book, Start Getting Pumped!
Lisa: Ha, ha, Woody. It’s *Stop Getting Dumped!* You can get it at your favorite bookstore or at stopgettingdumped.com.