Need Wood: Why are Lesbians all about the Man-On-Man Action?

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Hey, Woody!

Why are lesbians such big fans of gay porn? Why not straight porn?  Why would they watch d–ks go into male holes but not female holes?  If you’re going to rent straight porn why not just be straight?  I’m confused.

- – -   Curiosity killed the c–k

Dear Curious:

I agree, this one’s a head scratcher. I talked to several psychologists, including a lesbo counselor and they’ve confirmed that a significant number of lesbians do indeed rent and buy gay porn.

Why?  Because the music’s better and there aren’t any frilly skirts.

Well, that’s my take, anyway.  The fancy-schmancy Ph.D.’s I talked to went a little deeper than I did, though.  Imagine that.  First, there’s the feminist angle.  Most lesbians have a heightened awareness of how men have oppressed women and watching straight porn is often Exhibit A in that exploitation.

In gay porn, the bottoms are just as powerful as the tops.  So while it’s still male-on-male, there’s a power dynamic at work that’s closer to the lesbian political and personal ethos.

Then there’s the impatience angle.  Lesbian porn takes FOREVER to get to the sex.  All that bullshit about love, intimacy and emotional connections takes up half the tape.  As one lesbian fan of gay porn told me, “I like gay porn because the actors having sex are unencumbered by a U-Haul.  It all boils down to different philosophies.  Men:  F–k it or kill it.  Lesbians:  Take it to the vet or adopt it.”

Third, a lot of women fantasize about being a man, so they get off on hot male bodies, not because they want to f–k them but because they want to have bodies like them.  And finally, there’s my strap-on dildo theory.  Lots of lesbians use them.  They have to learn how and if straight porn is too exploitative and lesbian porn is too boring, then what’s left?

But I’m with you.  I hear all these explanations and they still don’t make sense to me.  When it comes to porn I only want to see what I want to f–k.  Period, end of stroke.

Hey, Woody!

My boyfriend loves for me to play with his ass and I want to stick all kinds of things in it, not just my you-know-what.  Other than a dildo what are my options?

–  Anal Retentive

Well, let’s see.  There are inflatable butt-plugs.  You insert and then inflate them gently to stretch the sphincter.  Unless he’s been bad about helping with chores around the house, be careful about inflating it too much.

A vibrating egg is another option.  It’s a little egg-shaped plastic container that holds a vibrator.  It’s attached to a control unit by a wire.  Always encase the egg in a condom so you can pull it out if the wire breaks.  You don’t want to find yourself in the E.R. explaining to intake how you put breakfast down the wrong hole.

Try anal beads, too.  They’re inserted and gently pulled out.  Forget the plastic ones, they can break.  Stick to the brass or rubber-jelly kind.

Lastly, you might want to try a speculum (does that word make you slightly nauseous or is it just me?).  Gynecologists use it to spread the walls of the vagina so they can see into the cervix.

Well, at least that explains the nausea.

You squeeze the handles together and the “duck bills” open.  The plastic ones are easier to operate and it’s not cold like the metal ones doctors use (they keep them on a heating pad or rinse it in hot water.  Can you imagine how often they’d be bitch-slapped by their patients if they didn’t?).

Because a speculum will separate the anal walls you’ll see clear into his rectum, even the part that turns left.  And, uhm…make sure he douches first or you’re going to be in for an ugly, smelly surprise.