Need Wood: The Subject was Condoms

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Hey, Woody!

I consider myself an expert in bottoming and I have a question you’ve never touched on.  I can’t feel the difference inside me if a guy wears a rubber.  I’ve talked to other guys and they agree with me.  Even the ones who say they can feel the difference admit it’s only slight and only in the beginning.  I understand why tops don’t want to use them (hey, I’ve done a little topping myself and I must say you REALLY can tell the difference).  My point is, if bottoms can’t feel the difference when their partners are wearing rubbers then why do so many let themselves get topped without them?

–  Bottomless pit

Dear Bottomless:

Your question reminds me of a true story my mom told me.  She lived in South Africa for a while and her maid kept getting pregnant.  Mom gave her a box of condoms.  The woman stared blankly.  Mom showed her how to use it by unrolling it over a broomstick.  “Ahh,” the woman brightened up.  Months later the maid announced that she was pregnant.   Mom, frustrated, said, “Didn’t you use the condoms?”  The woman said, “Yes.  I did just what you showed me.  Every day I unrolled it over the broomstick just before we f–ked.”

The point?  People are idiots on the subject of condoms.  They either don’t wear them or they wear them wrong.  That maid managed to do both.  You’re bringing up a really good point but I need a bigger sampling pool to draw a conclusion.  So I’m throwing it out to my readers.  Email me at needwood@mac.com and answer this simple question:  Once the guy’s inside you can you tell if he’s wearing a condom?  I’ll post the results next week, along with comments from my expert panel.

Hey, Woody!

Whenever I f–k my boyfriend he ends up arching his back right before he c-mes.  I mean to the point where the torque bends my d–k till it hurts.  Why is he doing this?  He says he can’t help it and that it feels good.

– Petered Out

Dear Petered:

He’s doing it because it increases your d–k’s pressure against the prostate gland, which is Pleasure Central in every man.  Pet the prostate and it’ll make him howl like a dog in heat.  So what to do?  Experiment with different positions that protects your d–k and makes him bust like a water main.  Keep in mind one thing as you experiment:  The prostate gland is up and in toward the belly button.  How do you tell?  Stick your index finger up his bum and bring it forward like you were signaling someone to come over.  And by all means, come over.  All over.

Hey, Woody!

A while back you said the only bad thing about douching is that you can build up a reliance on it for bowel movements.  But I’ve always heard it’s bad because it rinses out helpful bacteria that create natural immunities against infection.  Did I catch you in a mistake?  Is there a prize if I do?

–  Douche Bag

Dear Douche Bag:

I hand out two things whenever somebody catches me in a mistake:  an apology and a mop –so you can clean my kitchen floors for being so insolent.

In three years of writing this column I’ve only handed my mop out to two guys.  Sorry, you won’t be the third.  You are correct that douching changes the normal “flora” (fancy for bacteria) and makes you more susceptible to infections.  IF YOU’RE A WOMAN.  The normal flora in a man’s rectum does not have the same problem.  Water up the bootie should not do any damage unless there is trauma on the way in (i.e. you cut yourself with the douche tube). It would not increase the chances of getting infections.