Need Wood: I Gave and Gave and Got a Nasty Gift!

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Hey, Woody!

First of all, I love your style.  I have read that you get a lot of flack for being a bit raunchy, but I appreciate your honesty.  Here’s the deal:  I was out with “bad influence” friends.  We all crashed at a friend’s house and in my f–ked-up state I went down on a guy that had joined our cavalcade of perversion.  I had heard he was hung really big and I wanted to find out.   I j-rked off while I went down on him, but there was no genital contact at all.  Plus, he didn’t even c-m.  A few weeks later I realized I had gonorrhea, and had gotten it from s-cking on this guy’s d–k.  What I need to know is, I thought you could only get sexually transmitted diseases by genital contact?  Does it make it more risky if I get c-me in my mouth?  I would like to s-ck c-ck with a clear conscience.  Please enlighten me.  I could ask my doctor but he wouldn’t be nearly as entertaining as you.

—  Off with the head

Dear Off:

Oh, sure.  I’m nothing but a joke book to you.  But while we’re on the subject of jokes, I have the perfect one for you:

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, “My son is a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says, ‘father’.”

The second one chirps up, “My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic lady says smugly, “My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth Catholic lady sips her coffee in silence. The first three ladies all ask, “Well…?”

She replies, “My son is a 6’2″, hard-bodied stripper, and hung like a rhino. When he walks into a room, everyone says, “Oh, my God…”

My point, as if I had one, is that when you read what I’m about to write you’re going to say “Oh, My God.”

You can get gonorrhea by just kissing a guy.

Say it with me:  “Oh, my f–king God.”  That’s what I said when my doctor delivered the news.  At first I thought he was drunk.  Then I thought no, it’s more likely that I was drunk.  All I know is that one of us usually is.

But the fact still stands, even if one of us can’t.  You can get gonorrhea from just kissing.  Here’s how.  The big G is most commonly spread during genital contact, but it can be passed, say, from his genitals to Trick’s throat.  Then Trick kisses you savagely, buffing your tonsils with his tongue to a spit shine and suddenly you are STD case # Infinity at the CDC.

Now, admittedly, that’s pretty rare, but I felt like scaring you and I didn’t have a picture of my editor to show you.

The real concern is genital-to-genital transmission.  And no, he doesn’t have to c-m in your mouth for you to get it.

With 650,000 people infected each year, gonorrhea is the second most-reported infectious disease in the United States.  Roughly 75% of all cases are aged 15-29.

Gonorrhea, like my readership, likes to grow in the warm, moist areas of the mouth, throat and anus.  Is this a Party ‘n Play bacterium or what?

Symptoms include a burning sensation when urinating and a yellowish white discharge from the penis.  I know, it sounds like the same symptoms you get from reading this column.

Symptoms usually appear two to five days after infection. Treatment is easy:  Swallowing.  Antibiotics, I mean.  Everything else you should spit out.

Oh, and what was that line about “I wanna s-ck c-ck with a clear conscience?”  What are you, a priest?  There’ll be no associating “conscience” with c-cks-cking in this column.  I got cash flow to consider, bub.