Need Wood: I Gave and Gave and Got a Nasty Gift!
First of all, I love your style. I have read that you get a lot of flack for being a bit raunchy, but I appreciate your honesty. Here’s the deal: I was out with “bad influence” friends. We all crashed at a friend’s house and in my f–ked-up state I went down on a guy that had joined our cavalcade of perversion. I had heard he was hung really big and I wanted to find out. I j-rked off while I went down on him, but there was no genital contact at all. Plus, he didn’t even c-m. A few weeks later I realized I had gonorrhea, and had gotten it from s-cking on this guy’s d–k. What I need to know is, I thought you could only get sexually transmitted diseases by genital contact? Does it make it more risky if I get c-me in my mouth? I would like to s-ck c-ck with a clear conscience. Please enlighten me. I could ask my doctor but he wouldn’t be nearly as entertaining as you.
— Off with the head
Oh, sure. I’m nothing but a joke book to you. But while we’re on the subject of jokes, I have the perfect one for you:
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, “My son is a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says, ‘father’.”
The second one chirps up, “My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Your Grace’.”
The third Catholic lady says smugly, “My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth Catholic lady sips her coffee in silence. The first three ladies all ask, “Well…?”
She replies, “My son is a 6’2”, hard-bodied stripper, and hung like a rhino. When he walks into a room, everyone says, “Oh, my God…”
My point, as if I had one, is that when you read what I’m about to write you’re going to say “Oh, My God.”
You can get gonorrhea by just kissing a guy.
Say it with me: “Oh, my f–king God.” That’s what I said when my doctor delivered the news. At first I thought he was drunk. Then I thought no, it’s more likely that I was drunk. All I know is that one of us usually is.
But the fact still stands, even if one of us can’t. You can get gonorrhea from just kissing. Here’s how. The big G is most commonly spread during genital contact, but it can be passed, say, from his genitals to Trick’s throat. Then Trick kisses you savagely, buffing your tonsils with his tongue to a spit shine and suddenly you are STD case # Infinity at the CDC.
Now, admittedly, that’s pretty rare, but I felt like scaring you and I didn’t have a picture of my editor to show you.
The real concern is genital-to-genital transmission. And no, he doesn’t have to c-m in your mouth for you to get it.
With 650,000 people infected each year, gonorrhea is the second most-reported infectious disease in the United States. Roughly 75% of all cases are aged 15-29.
Gonorrhea, like my readership, likes to grow in the warm, moist areas of the mouth, throat and anus. Is this a Party ‘n Play bacterium or what?
Symptoms include a burning sensation when urinating and a yellowish white discharge from the penis. I know, it sounds like the same symptoms you get from reading this column.
Symptoms usually appear two to five days after infection. Treatment is easy: Swallowing. Antibiotics, I mean. Everything else you should spit out.
Oh, and what was that line about “I wanna s-ck c-ck with a clear conscience?” What are you, a priest? There’ll be no associating “conscience” with c-cks-cking in this column. I got cash flow to consider, bub.