Need Wood: Should He Have Swallowed?

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Hey Woody!

My boyfriend gives great head but it’s like he doesn’t want me to c-m anywhere except in his mouth.  He’s obsessed with my semen.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love spraying it inside him, but it’s gotten out of hand.  If we’re f–king and I’m about to c-m inside him, he’ll push me off, yank the condom off me and j-rk me off into his mouth.  Why is this so important to him?  I don’t want him to stop swallowing because truthfully I love it.  I’d just like to have a little variety.  How do I get him to change?

—   Looking for another spot

Dear Looking:

Boy, you’re never going to make it as a priest if you can’t figure out when someone’s dying to take communion.

There’s a lot of reason why guys like to swallow.  Maybe they like the taste of oysters.  Maybe they like to keep you up at night by clearing their throats of the phlegm.

Which reminds me,  is “phlegm” not the nastiest-sounding you ever heard?

But I digress.  Probably the most important reason he’s obsessed with swallowing is the meaning he’s put into your semen.

Semen comes from deep within you.  If he swallows that, he’s swallowing your very essence, and for a brief moment he experiences a sublime union with you.

Either that, or he’s just plain thirsty.

How to change him?  Don’t ask him to give up something; ask him to add something.  Don’t say “I don’t want to c-m in your mouth every time.”  Say, “I really want to c-m inside you when we’re f–king” or “I really want to see Woody’s c-m splat all over your chest.”

Wait.  How did I get in there?  Easy.  It’s my column.

Anyway, don’t ask him to change from “A” to “Not A”.  Ask him to go from “A” to “B” and then he’ll “C” the light.

Hey Woody!

OK, here goes.  I’m a 32-year old who loves to be a top with my boyfriend.  Of course, he wanted some of the action so I tried to oblige, but the problem is that whenever I bottom for him I lose my erection.  When I top I have no problem, but once the role changes my d–k melts like the witch in the Wizard of Oz.  I have what I think is a healthy diet; I work out three times a week, although I do smoke almost a pack a day.  Can you suggest anything to keep me hard when my boyfriend tops me?  Is it possible that my prostate gland isn’t as sensitive as his?

–  Trying to get to the bottom of it

Dear Trying:

No, your prostate isn’t less sensitive. What’s more likely is that you respond differently to different kinds of stimulation.  Try a variety of positions and foreplay until your slot machine rings a row of cherries.

Remember that the prostate is up and in.  If your boyfriend’s d–k goes straight in it’s possible that your prostate gland won’t be touched or stimulated.  In and up and in and up.  Memorize those words.  They will serve you well.

You could also be harboring subconscious fears of being emasculated or losing control.  Gay culture is second only to straight society in disparaging males who have “receptive sex.”   When was the last time you heard, “There’s nothing in this town but tops?”  Or “Oh, he’s nothing but a big top?”

Bottoming for your boyfriend may be triggering a fear of being “womanized,” and thus, ridiculed.  I don’t need to tell you those fears are ridiculous, do I?

There’s no magic way of getting over it.  You just do it, experiment, and see where it takes you.