Need Wood: Screamy Goodness

wood_ban
Hey, Woody!

I met this really cute 25-year-old guy on Grindr.  Dreamy face.  Then he sends me nude pics, which I think are really tacky because A) they could be anybody’s d–k and B) I don’t really care how big their d–k is; I’m more into faces and bodies.  Anyway, he gives me his number and I say we should meet.  He says he doesn’t hook up.  I say then why’d you send me the nude pictures?  Woody, why are men so hypocritical? 

Anyway, we meet at a coffee shop and he actually looks like his picture—a Grindr first.  We go back to my place and he puts out like a vending machine.  Next day he freaks out and starts yelling on the phone when I tell him I can’t meet him till the following weekend.  I know I should have run like hell right there, but I wanted another crack at his crack.

Long story short– the guy’s called me seven times and I always let it roll to voicemail.  At first he was belligerent in his messages but now he’s leaving really sweet messages, blaming his yelling on a bad drug trip.  I wanna call him so bad cuz he’s so cute, but deep down I think I’m dealing with a freak.  Help me use my brain and not my d–k, woody.  Would you call back a hottie if he were a potential freak?

–  Hoping I’m wrong

Dear Hoping:

Oh, yeah, your future is so bright with him you better get a beach umbrella.   Let me get this straight.  He’s a rolling, drug-popping, havoc-wreaking circus act and you want my blessing to call him?

What part of FREAK don’t you understand?

You’re dealing with a queen going through mid-twenties menopause.  Your only hope is that she takes Hormone Replacement Therapy, gets breast cancer and dies.

You have nothing emotionally invested in this guy.  Why are you giving it a second thought?  Do you really want to start on such a bad footing?  Fighting after the first hook-up?

I have two takes on you:  1) You’re a drama queen who wants to be drawn into something that will stimulate you in all the wrong ways.  If there’s no controversy or drama you don’t want it.  2) You feel desperate that there’s no one else out there for you so you’re willing to give up mental health to be with someone you’re attracted to.

The first few months of dating should be a courtship.  Instead, yours looks like a period of serving court papers—to keep him the hell away from you.  Imagine what this guy must be like when you really get to know him.  He’s raised a red flag; you need to wave a white one:  Give it up.

Hey, Woody!

I have a penis that curves to the left like a banana.  Everything works fine.  I actually think it looks kinda sexy but somebody ruined it for me by saying I might have Peyronie’s Disease.  Do I?

–  Curvy and likin’ it

Dear Curvy:

Can you get hard enough to put on a condom?  Can you ejaculate when you masturbate?  Does it feel good?  Do you want my phone number?  If the answers are “Yes” to the first three questions and “Yes, OH GOD, Yes!” to the fourth, then there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you.

You’d pretty much know if you had Peyronie’s disease because it can be painful.  Basically, it’s caused by a plaque build-up in the walls of the blood chambers of the penis. This plaque build-up forces the penis into a curve or bend.

If anybody teases you just remember what my ex-boyfriend, a former cheerleader, used to yell out in practice:

“Go Bananas!

Go, Go Bananas!

First, you lean to the left

Then you lean to the right

Then you peel the banana

And HUH!  Take a bite!”