Need Wood: Is Size King?

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Hey, Woody!

I keep getting all this spam for penis enlargement creams and pills in my email box.  I have to admit they’re tempting but I know you’re dead set against them.  Still, it’s been a while since you’ve written about it.  Is there anything new in the field that makes them more legitimate?

—  Wondering

Dear Wondering:

Surgery to enlarge your d–k is awful and there isn’t a single medical organization that approves of it except for people with a “micro-phallus.”

Still, there *is* a new twist to the industry.  Check this item out, which appeared last week in a respected national newspaper:

“Efforts to pass legislation restricting Internet “spam”—unsolicited mass e-mails usually for advertising purposes—are meeting with strong resistance from the nation’s powerful penis-enlargement lobby.

“If this legislation passes, the government would, for all intents and purposes, be taking three to four inches off America’s c–ks,” said Denny Garner, president of the National Association of Penis Enlargers (NAPE), speaking to reporters Monday. “For millions of poorly hung American men, spam is a vital source of information about penis-enlargement options, and our elected officials have no right to take it away from them.”

Added Garner: “MAKE YOUR D–K BIGGER THAN A CLUB!!!”

“The entire penis-enlargement industry is threatened by this bill,” Garner went on. “Despite what most people think, not all penis-pill and penis-pump makers are big and wealthy. There are many self-starting entrepreneurs who play a vital role in keeping the industry competitive. This bill would drive them out of the marketplace, leaving only the large multinationals like the Dong Group.”

Ron Jeremy, adult-film star and host of the popular late-night talk show Sex Talk, backed up Garner.  “If this nation’s men did not desire meaty, 10-inch schlongs, then products to achieve that end would not exist, much less sell. This bill suppresses something Americans need and want.”

Albert Tuckman, co-director of the D.C.-based Save Our Spam, echoed Jeremy’s sentiments, saying, “As surely as every man has the inalienable right to add up to four terrifying inches to his wang, I have the right to inform them how and for what price this may be achieved.”

“There is no moral gray area here,” Tuckman continued. “This is a story of right and wrong and miracle 14-inch horse c–ks……………..Become a SUPERSTUD!!!”

Okay, so the “respected” national paper was the satirical The Onion (www.theonion.com).  My point in reprinting is that they’ve got it right:  The only way to treat something ridiculous is to treat it seriously so you can see how ridiculous it is.

Hey, Woody!

Thanks to your columns I got vaccinated for Hepatitis A and B (I didn’t even know I was at risk till I read your column), but how come you’ve never talked about Hepatitis C?  Shouldn’t I get vaccinated for that too

–  Needle-Happy

Dear Needle-Happy:

You should if you could but you can’t.  There’s no vaccination against Hepatitis C.  Like HIV, the major mode of transport is blood.  Unlike HIV, it’s exceedingly hard to get it from sex (maybe 3% of all cases are sexually transmitted).

I’d only worry about it if:

a)            You had a blood transfusion before the early 1990’s when testing for the Hepatitis C virus stopped making blood transfusions a risk factor

b)            You shot up drugs using shared needles

c)            You gave a urine sample at the doctor’s and an olive came out with it.  No, wait.  That’s alcoholism.  I always get the causes of cirrhosis and liver failure confused.

Four million people have Hepatitis C and ten thousand people will die of it annually.  Get the test if you fall into one of the risk factors.  You could be harboring the virus for 30 years or more before symptoms show up.  Early treatment will save your life, and more importantly, one more reader for my column, which allows me to charge more so quit being so selfish and think about others for a change.