Need Wood: Emily Post Won’t Answer This Question

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Hey, Woody!

I went to my first “sex party” at a house when I was on vacation.  There were about 40 people in a two-bedroom/two-bath house.  You had to check your clothes at the door (it was wild—40 nude guys just walking around and getting it on with whomever they wanted).  Woody, I have a three-part question on sex party etiquette for you:

1) Should you say anything to the host if he’s being unnecessarily mean to the people he won’t let in to the party?  The party was set up through an unnamed app/site and you had to send your pics to get invited.  There was a stern warning that the host would be at the door, printed pictures in hand, and if they weren’t reasonably close to what you really looked like he wouldn’t let you in.  I understand the sentiment but the guy was just being a real d–k, calling people liars and telling them to get the hell out.

2) What’s the proper way of rejecting guys at a “play party?”  As I was walking around the apartment there were a lot of guys that I *didn’t* want.  And when they’d reach for me or make some kind of move the only thing I could think of to say was “sorry, I’m tired, just had sex.” Is there a better line I could use?

3) How do you tell someone who won’t leave you alone to leave you alone?  I was being f–ked in a sling and this guy kept tapping me on the shoulder asking if he could be next. I’m like, “Dude, can’t you see I’m busy here?”  But he was relentless and kept asking.  Finally, I just said “Fine, but the line forms at the rear.” 

—  The courteous wh-re

Dear Wh-re:

You forgot question #4:  “Who should I beat up for not inviting Woody?”

Your host was being mean at the door but then who could blame him?  Internet chat rooms are filled with liars.  I mean, aren’t you sick of 300-pound whales claiming to be 32-inch waisted studs?  Technically they’re correct:  Even Shamu has a swimmer’s body.  But that’s not the point—they’re still lying.  Your host could have been nicer, though, and simply said, “Sorry, the pictures don’t match, can’t let you in, please step aside.”

I don’t believe in dishing out cruelty.  Well, unless I’m the one ladling it out.

As for Question #2, why do you feel the need to lie to guys you’re not attracted to?  By saying “sorry, tired, just had sex” you’re leading them on to think that you’re attracted to them and all they need to do is give you some refractory time before they hit on you again.  Why not brush their hands gently away and say, “thanks, but I’ll pass.”  That way you’re not lying, you’re not leading them on and you’re being kind.

As for Question #3, I can’t stop laughing long enough to answer it.

Hey, Woody!

Your advice to the guy who gave up after a near-death experience was halfway correct.  He asked if he needed to give up his friends and you correctly told him to find new friends that don’t do drugs.  But the last line of your response – “I hear there are some in Alaska” – is where I feel you missed the boat. 

Every major city has AA and NA (Alcoholics/Narcotics Anonymous) meetings where gays can meet other gay men living clean and sober lives.  Plus, many cities have GALANOS clubs, which are basically social clubs for gay men in recovery.  They’re designed for people to develop alcohol and drug-free relationships.  Your advice saddens me that you didn’t take advantage of the opportunity to guide your readers into a healthier direction.

—  Drug-free and Happy

Dear Happy:

What can I say?  You’re right, I missed the boat.  I stand, sit or kneel corrected (depends on my mood).  Thanks for setting me straight.