Need Wood: Look Ma, No Hands

wood_ban Hey, Woody!

One day I was staring at my balls after masturbating and realized they were moving by themselves.  At first I thought it was because I had just ejaculated, but they move by themselves whether I’ve masturbated or not.  Do they have a life of their own?  Why do they move?

–  Movin’ on up…and down

Dear Movin’:

The movement is what experts call “testicular circulation”—blood coursing throughout the scrotum via internal streets and avenues known as veins and arteries.

When your balls are practically doing the tango with each other it’s because of the cremaster and dartos muscles.  They move testicles in and out like the line outside my editor’s bedroom.

Remember, testicles are sperm factories and they’re heat sensitive.  Sperm need to be kept at a certain temperature or they’ll start dying like flies in a jar—slowly and painfully.

When the “boys” get cold, they snuggle up and get warm. When they’re hot they hang lower than the scruples of a circuit queen looking for her next bump.

Ever notice how just before orgasm, your testicles get into a lock-and-load position?  That’s the cremaster and dartos muscles working it as hard as you are.

Want to try a cool experiment?  Make the boys dance.  Next time you’re in bed with a guy (and if you’re like the rest of my readers, that should be in about 10 minutes), touch the upper inner portion of his thigh.

Watch closely as his testicles move in the direction away from where your hand is touching.  It’s called the cremasteric reflex, which keeps the boys out of harm’s way. When the “threat” is over, the testicles will come back to whatever position they feel safe in.  Usually, your partner’s mouth.

Hey, Woody!

I used hypnosis to quit smoking.  Do you think it would help with erectile dysfunction?  I’ve read you enough to know there are medical and psychological reasons for impotence but how do you tell one from the other?

–  Feeling Sleepy

Dear Sleepy:

Your problem reminds me of the time I ran into a sobbing 12-year-old boy outside the mall, holding a hundred dollar bill.

Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong.

His mother had given him two hundred dollars to buy the family Christmas gifts.  He hadn’t even entered the mall when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and ran off.

“Why didn’t you scream for help?” I asked.

“I did,” said the boy.

“And nobody came to help you?” I asked.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.

“How loud did you scream?” I asked.

The boy looked up and meekly whispered, “Help me!”

I realized that no one could possibly have heard that poor boy cry for help.

So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

My point, and I do have one, is that you’ve got to ask for help LOUDLY or you’re going to be ripped off.

If your willow’s weeping because of stress or performance anxiety, then I say go for the hypnosis, which has been medically proven to reduce pain and anxiety.

Remember, most insurance companies won’t cover the treatment unless it’s performed by a doctor or another licensed healthcare professional.

But if the problem’s physical, hypnosis is going to be as helpful as, well, a twelve-year-old asking Woody for help.

How do you know if it’s physical?  If you can masturbate, get an erection overnight, or in the morning, then you’re a nut job desperately in need of psychological help.

If, on the other hand, you can’t get an erection at all under any circumstances, then there’s probably something wrong with your hydraulics and you’re going to need an urologist.  And trust me, if you think *I* grab the money and run, wait till you meet these guys.