Hey Woody!

Your advice to people about using poppers SUCKED. What the f–k is “intelligent use of poppers?” There is no such thing as an intelligent use of poppers. Why don’t you wake up, fool? How about telling people not to use them at all, like any responsible expert would? Well, you’re no expert and you’re certainly not responsible with that kind of advice. Poppers damage the heart and f–k up the immune system. I can’t believe you’d write an article telling people to use them. First off, they’re not amyl nitrate, the stuff on the street is Isobutil (????) nitrate, so they’re not even using the real thing. Shame on you, Woody. I’ve read the last of you.

— An ex-reader

Dear ex-:

First of all, you must be confusing me with Ann Landers. She’s the one who gives the kind of dried-vagina advice you’re looking for.

My advice is not directed at children, but at grown adults, the kind who’ve already made up their minds about whether they’re going to use drugs. I have never advocated nor condemned drug use. My role is to haul out the Stupid Meter and call the crowd’s attention to it when it goes off. And g-dd-mmit does it goes off in the gay community. It’s a good thing the Stupid Meter doesn’t run on batteries—I’d be on a first name basis with the Radio Shack cashier.

Do I think people should do drugs? No. Do I think they shouldn’t do drugs? No. I think people should make their own decisions and people like you and me should stay out of it. We should have the same penalties for drug abuse as we do for alcohol abuse. Namely, if you’re not hurting people or property, we should leave you the hell alone. Do something stupid, like driving under the inluence and you should have the book thrown at you. Along with the vase, picture frames and whatever else was on the shelf with the book.

We’re exposed to alcohol education all the time (Budweiser “Drink Responsibly” ads come to mind), but you think we shouldn’t be exposed to drug education?

No matter what the penalty, there are three things that men will always play with: Fire, drugs and themselves. And not necessarily in that order. The “Just Say No” mentality was given its chance and it failed spectacularly. Your corner is always yapping about giving it more time, and maybe you’re right; maybe we should give it another shot–after all we only gave it a hundred and forty f–king years to work. Maybe that’s just not enough time to see results.

If I wanted to write a column for the likes of you I’d have titled it “Chicken Soup for the C-ck.” But I’m writing it for the rest of us who occasionally land on Planet Earth and walk around.

Ask Woody a question at needwood@mac.com. Want more dating tips? Check out Woody’s book, Meet The Hottie in The Corner: The 21 Day Plan To Overcome Your Fear Of Rejection, Master The Art Of Icebreakers And Snag Guys You Never Thought You Could Get.