Minute Men

Hey, Woody!

The good news is that I got us into the soccer play-offs by blocking the opposing team’s penalty kick.  The bad news is I blocked it with my crotch.  I’m still limping from it.  My question:  Why did my stomach hurt so much if it was my balls that took the hit?

—Ballsy

Dear Ballsy:

Our testes are more sensitive than a bunch of kinky men who just got told to get off the cross.  They’re dense with nerve endings.  The testicles, I mean.  Well, the kinks too, but in a different area.  The reason your stomach hurt so much is that the testes are connected to the abdomen by nerves and blood vessels.  Testes form in the abdominal cavity and then they descend into the scrotum sack before birth.  “Undescended” testicles are fairly common in premature babies and occur in about 4% of all full-term babies.   If they can’t “find” your testes (funny, my boyfriend never has that problem) an abdominal ultrasound may help figure out where the suckers went.

Getting a soccer ball kicked into your groin is no laughing matter.  I’m wincing even as I type.  The recommendation:  Ice packs for the first 24 hours, followed by sitz baths, and then by prayer.   A blow like that could result in “testicular torsion,” a serious emergency where the testicle becomes twisted in the scrotum and loses its blood supply.  You’ve got about 2 hours from the time it happens for a doc to relieve the twisting or you can literally kiss your testicle goodbye.

 

Hey, Woody!

I’m curious about something.  How long does sex last?  My current boyfriend is a minuteman, but my last one took forever.  I’m not sure which is worse.  How long does the average f$%k last?

—Hungry for more…time

Dear Hungry:

Your letter reminds me of a Halloween party I went to a few years back.  I went in jeans.  The host, confused, reminded me that it was a costume party. I said, “I am in costume.  It’s my premature ejaculation costume.”  He still couldn’t figure it out.  “Don’t you get it?” I said.  “I came in my pants.”

Anyway, where was I?  Oh, yes.  There isn’t much scientific evidence on the average length of intercourse.  Plenty on width; but not length.  Studies based on memory are notoriously unreliable (if you think men lie about how big they are you should see how they lie about how long they last).

Still, there is agreement among sex researchers about a general range.  And it ain’t pretty.  Kinsey’s survey found that 75% of men lasted less than five minutes.  Shere Hite found that 62% of men lasted less than 5 minutes, and Masters  & Johnson’s studies showed about the same length of time.

Of course, their studies were confined to hetero men, but there’s no reason to think homo joes would last any longer.  Face it; most of us are “two pump chumps.”