Need Wood?

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Need Wood: I Have No “Gay Sense”…Help Me Get My Man!

Hey, Woody! I’m a 22-year-old curious deaf young man wanting to look for a lover.  When I go on a public transportation, I can’t tell who is gay or not.  I feel that I do not have a “gay radar.”  Where do I find a man who likes me very much?  Do I need to […]

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Need Wood: I Can Make My Own Toys at Home?

Hey, Woody! Tell me it ain’t so!  I just brought the Mitchell Rock’s “realistic” life-size replica of his — ahem — “manhood” through a mail order company.  When it arrived via my humpy UPS guy (another fantasy, another letter), I tore open the box and …OH MY GAWD!  That simply cannot exist in nature!  Please […]

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Need Wood: We’re Not Sick Like You!

Hey Woody! HotSpots is a respectable magazine.  YOUR section of the magazine, however, seems to drag the whole publication down to the gutter.  There are plenty of guys who do not have these bizarre, deranged sexual “problems.”  My boyfriend and I are the perfect example of this. Also, if you were this hot sexual pirate […]

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Need Wood: Scraping the Bottom of His Barrel

  Hey, Woody! I bought a couple of dildos to try loosening me up (one was about 7” and the other a thick one about 9”).  The results haven’t been so great for me.  I tried sitting on the dildos and then literally running out of the bathroom and jumping on my beau. That works […]

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Need Wood: All About Orgasms

  Hey, Woody! Whenever my boyfriend is about to c-m he gets these weird twitches and spasms in his face.  I can tell when he’s going to have a geyser-like orgasm by how spastic his facial muscles get.  He says he’s always been that way and it doesn’t hurt, so basically it’s my problem.  I […]

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Need Wood: Fun-derwear!

  Hey Woody! Do you think the right underwear can get you laid?  I have a friend who has an unbelievable collection of “funderwear” and swears it’s like a pheromone for guys once he gets them in bed.  On the off chance he isn’t insane, what would you recommend I wear to turn guys on? […]

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Need Wood: If Heaven is for Real Then What About Hell?

  Hey, Woody! Just yesterday The Vatican defrocked its former ambassador to the Dominican Republic for child molestation charges. What’s your view on the still continuing scandals?  And since I know you’re going to be sacrilegious I have one other question:  If I read the things you write that will send you to hell will […]

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Need Wood? They’re Not Mud Puddles…But They’re Still Dirty!

 Hey, Woody! I’ve heard that p-rn stars take a supplement called lecithin to increase semen volume.   Does it really work? If not, is there anything else that will do the trick?  I want to leave puddles on my partner’s chests, not drops. —  Shooting for the sky Dear Shooting: You could c-m vats too […]

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Need Wood: Lati-No-You-Didn’t

Hey, Woody! Stop printing bigotry!  A few columns ago you offered advice to a guy who was into Latinos.  You said, and I quote, “Bottom Line: If you want more brown, get more white.”  Then you blatantly stated that there is a “social pecking order to desirable mates and whites are at the top of […]

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Need Wood: I’m going to be sick…

  Hey, Woody! I know you’re going to make fun of me when I ask this question.  It just goes to show you how desperate I am. I have desires that I’ve only recently owned up to.  I fantasize about them all the time but I’ve never acted on them for obvious reasons.  Here it […]