Need Wood?


Need Wood: He’s too…shy shy…

Hey Woody! I’ve got a problem I’m too embarrassed to ask anyone about.  Whenever I go out, especially to the bars, I can’t seem to pee if there’s anyone next to me, even if my bladder is about to explode.  Sometimes I can do it if I go into a stall and shut the door […]


Need Wood: This Guy Has a Beef With Me!

Hey Woody! You anorexic son of a b-tch. How dare you describe sex between overweight people as “lard-a– sex?”   Your advice to your “truly tubby readers” was the kind of hateful and disreputable intolerance we expect out of Rush Limbaugh.  You think you’re funny, but you’re actually just a sorry excuse for a queer.  You […]


Need Wood: How Hot Am I…Officially?

Hey Woody! I’m not even close to getting laid as much as I want to and I’ve been thinking maybe I’m just not that hot.   I can’t ask people I know, cuz, well, they wouldn’t be family or friends if they didn’t lie, right?  So how do I find out what my real f–kability quotient […]


Need Wood: Debbie Does Dallas and Loves Lucy

Hey Woody! Not only do my boyfriend and I have house-shaking sex, we also do three-ways, groups, baths, and sex clubs.  He is the nastiest, biggest f–k pig I’ve ever run across.  God, I love him. So here’s the problem: Last month we were in a sex club where he was being gang-f–ked in a […]


Need Wood: Pour Some Sugar on Me!

Hey Woody! Have you heard about a supplement that’s supposed to make your c-m taste sweet?  Is this real or one of those red flags being waved in front of ground-pawing bulls like me looking for the next big thing in sex? – Sweet Tooth Dear Tooth: I love your bullfighting analogy because that’s exactly […]


Need Wood: Uncouth Bedroom Behavior

Hey Woody! I saw this really hot guy across the bar and I swear my zipper started moving down by itself.  He was tall, with the kind of long, sinewy, athletic muscles I pop off to in my fantasies.  But then we met.  What an a–hole!  He had all the social skills of a drunken […]


Need Wood: Touch Me in the Morning…Then Just Walk Away?

Hey Woody! This boorish trick came by on a Sunday.  What a clod.  He was dressed and headed for the door before the c-m had even begun to coagulate on the sheets.  I mean, hold me for God’s sakes!  He was up and standing right away, and I’m like, please, relax on the bed, let […]


Need Wood: He’ll Take a Raincheck!

Hey Woody! I met this guy at a party where we were both whacked on meth.  He told me he’s a top, and instead of discussing the shallowness of labels I went home with him.  His comment to me as we were heading back to his room was “so, let’s get you spread out.”   Hmmm…well, […]


Need Wood: Inside the Belly of the Beast

Hey Woody! I love getting f–ked by my boyfriend.  After he c-mes inside me I lift my legs so high I practically do a headstand because I want his semen to flood my insides.  It’s almost like taking sacrament.  But I’m wondering what happens to the semen inside me.  I know it seeps out but […]


Need Wood: Woody’s Got Talent!

Hey Woody! What are your favorite gay jokes? —   Waiting for a chuckle Dear Waiting: Here are my six favorites: Joke #1 Why do gay men name their penises? *Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.* Joke #2 Three guys are standing over the ashes […]


Need Wood: Is Timing Everything?

Hey Woody! Settle something for me.  My friends don’t agree with my reaction to taking this guy home.  We’re in bed, the clothes come off, and next thing you know he’s bobbing for apples.  The road to ecstasy made a U-turn when he went down on me for a few minutes and then tells me […]


Need Wood: Even Lobsters Have Penis Envy!

Hey Woody! I’m constantly comparing my d–k size to other guys and I always feel like I’m smaller than average.  Intellectually I know I’m at least average size (I’ve asked some of my partners and they’ve all said I’m actually bigger than average) but why does it FEEL like I have a small d–k?  I’m […]


Need Wood: Sex: A Good Workout?

Hey Woody! How many calories do you burn f–king?  I’m thinking if it’s high enough, wouldn’t promiscuity be a better way of getting fit than going to the gym?  Besides, I’d love to be able to say, “I’m not a wh-re; I’m an athlete.”  In all seriousness, if I can f–k the fat off, why […]


Need Wood: Even His Paper Towels are “Brawny!”

Hey Woody! You’ve probably received a thousand letters from guys like me, who are attracted to guys they can’t have. It’s a laughably common problem, yet I’ve never seen anyone give a satisfactory answer on how to deal with it.  Maybe you can help me?   After 20 years of experience with men, I’m sure that […]


Need Wood: Two Steps Forward…Two Steps Back…

Hey Woody! My friends have a raging debate going on about relationships.  Half think “Opposites Attract,” while the other half say, “Opposites Attack.”  I’m curious, what does the Woodster think? —  No position on opposition Dear Opposition, According to the latest study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology among married couples, “matched personality” […]