Need Wood?


Need Wood: Inside the Belly of the Beast

Hey Woody! I love getting f–ked by my boyfriend.  After he c-mes inside me I lift my legs so high I practically do a headstand because I want his semen to flood my insides.  It’s almost like taking sacrament.  But I’m wondering what happens to the semen inside me.  I know it seeps out but […]


Need Wood: Woody’s Got Talent!

Hey Woody! What are your favorite gay jokes? —   Waiting for a chuckle Dear Waiting: Here are my six favorites: Joke #1 Why do gay men name their penises? *Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.* Joke #2 Three guys are standing over the ashes […]


Need Wood: Is Timing Everything?

Hey Woody! Settle something for me.  My friends don’t agree with my reaction to taking this guy home.  We’re in bed, the clothes come off, and next thing you know he’s bobbing for apples.  The road to ecstasy made a U-turn when he went down on me for a few minutes and then tells me […]


Need Wood: Even Lobsters Have Penis Envy!

Hey Woody! I’m constantly comparing my d–k size to other guys and I always feel like I’m smaller than average.  Intellectually I know I’m at least average size (I’ve asked some of my partners and they’ve all said I’m actually bigger than average) but why does it FEEL like I have a small d–k?  I’m […]


Need Wood: Sex: A Good Workout?

Hey Woody! How many calories do you burn f–king?  I’m thinking if it’s high enough, wouldn’t promiscuity be a better way of getting fit than going to the gym?  Besides, I’d love to be able to say, “I’m not a wh-re; I’m an athlete.”  In all seriousness, if I can f–k the fat off, why […]


Need Wood: Even His Paper Towels are “Brawny!”

Hey Woody! You’ve probably received a thousand letters from guys like me, who are attracted to guys they can’t have. It’s a laughably common problem, yet I’ve never seen anyone give a satisfactory answer on how to deal with it.  Maybe you can help me?   After 20 years of experience with men, I’m sure that […]


Need Wood: Two Steps Forward…Two Steps Back…

Hey Woody! My friends have a raging debate going on about relationships.  Half think “Opposites Attract,” while the other half say, “Opposites Attack.”  I’m curious, what does the Woodster think? —  No position on opposition Dear Opposition, According to the latest study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology among married couples, “matched personality” […]


Need Wood: “Take it Like a Man,” Just Like Cher Said!

Hey Woody! As an underpaid psychoanalyst, I thought you might be able to help us.  After a month’s breakup last year due to infidelity on my part over a need to get some butt, my lover and I decided to give it another go.  I told him I’d agree to a monogamous relationship if he’d […]


Need Wood: Shut that Back Door!

Hey Woody! Ever since we opened up our relationship to include sex with other guys my boyfriend’s developed this weird thing where he can only c-me during group sex.  He can’t come when it’s just me and him in bed.  I really don’t know what to do because having sex with other guys has added […]


Need Wood: Gender Roles? How Quaint!

Hey Woody! I’ve always been the raging top and my boyfriend the insatiable bottom.  But lately he’s been bugging me to reverse our banging sessions.  He wants to bury the bone for a change and I don’t blame him.  But here’s the thing.  I like my guys a little on the nelly side (I have […]


Need Wood: Have a Coke and a Smile…

Hey Woody! I’m a surgeon working in the operating room (OR) of a major hospital. One night, a man walks into the ER complaining of an “unfortunate soft drink accident.” Meaning, he got a Coke bottle stuck up his a–. Well, Woody, this was no ordinary man. He was the CEO of a Fortune 500 […]


Need Wood: What do I do? I’m Stumped!

Hey Woody! A friend “came out” to me but I’m so repulsed by his secret I don’t know if I can remain friends with him. He’s not gay; he’s sexually obsessed with amputees. And it’s worse than you think, Woody. He constantly cruises websites showing amputees in bathing suits. He doesn’t just obsess about having […]


Need Wood: Please Don’t Say That!

Hey Woody! I’m white and my new black boyfriend wants me to call him “N—-r” in bed.  Now, Woody, I’m a good liberal.  I can’t say s–t like “Take this big white c–k, farm n—-r,” like he wants me to.  What can I do to talk him out of it?  He’s really angry with me, […]


Need Wood: It’s Been A While…

Hey Woody!  I wasn’t just burned in my last relationship, I was incinerated.  It’s been two years since I had sex.  I do masturbate, but I just can’t get myself out there in the dating scene.  I’m too scared and I just can’t handle it, even though I’m dying to have another relationship (or just […]


Need Wood: Searching for Downstairs Delights!

Hey Woody! My boyfriend won’t go down on me. It’s driving me crazy. I go down on him all the time and he loves it, but he won’t reciprocate. He says he doesn’t feel right about it and that he plain doesn’t like it. How can I get him to change his mind? — Dying […]