Inner Top

Hey Woody,

I am head-over-heels in love with one of my best friends. He is everything I'm looking for in a man. One day we got drunk and he confessed he was in love with me, too. The problem? We're both bottoms and he therefore won't pursue a romantic relationship with me. Because we are best friends, I know that he's been a top with other men. I used to be a top, but an ex-boyfriend awakened me to the joys of being a bottom, so I've been pretty much exclusively a bottom for the last few years. I recognize that sex is an unbelievably important part of a relationship, but I would hate to miss out on having this wonderful man in my life as more than a friend just because of a preference or silly label. I love my friend so much that I would do anything to make him happy, but I'm having trouble awakening my inner top. Any advice?

-Topless in Atlanta

Dear Topless,

You label queens kill me. You'd give up your soul mate because he's not the right bed bait? Call me weird, but I'd rather jerk off with someone I love than have sex someone I don't. Here's a novel idea---why don't you date first and figure out the sex later? You guys don't have a prayer of getting together unless you stop confusing sexual positions with personal identities. I mean, read your letter again. It's full of "I AM a bottom" and "he IS a bottom" rather than "I prefer bottoming" or "he likes to get penetrated."

See, it's easier to expand a behavioral preference than to change a psychological identity. So the first thing you've got to do is reframe what you consider an identity into what it really is—a sex act. Then and only then do you have a shot at making the changes you want. Here's what I recommend:

Prioritize. Sex may be important but it's not what keeps couples together. Ask anyone in a long-term relationship. You guys didn't just make sex the most important criteria for having a relationship, you've made it the only one. You're so concerned with sexual compatibility that you haven't given any thought to dating compatibility. Just because you're good friends doesn't mean you'd make good lovers. Get some romantic experiences under your belt before you reach for his pants.

Diversify. You're both acting as if sex is the only acceptable thing you can do in bed. Ever heard of blowjobs, hand jobs, rimming, finger-play, shall I go on? There's a lot more to sex than sticking it in a hole and banging away.

Believe in Change. You said yourself that you enjoyed topping and then switched to bottoming. Well, you changed once. You don't think it can happen again? Here's my two-word reply: Puh-leeze.

Lovers often go through phases where one is completely into bottoming or topping. Then they reverse, or shift from one to the other, depending on the mood or situation.

Different people in different situations bring out different sexual appetites. Neither of you might want to top each other today, but you're a fool if you think your feelings won't change as the relationship changes. If love can move mountains what do you think it can do to bedrooms?