|Written by Woody Miller on August 23 2012|
I was seeing this guy for eight months. I fell in love hard. I was totally faithful and honest and worshipped the ground he walked on.
He asked me to move in with him and I did. He gave me all the signals that he would be the one and forever. I committed myself to our relationship and it became my life. But not long after I moved in he started getting on chat rooms and he was tricking behind my back. I confronted him and said if you want an open relationship say so, it’s cool, let’s talk about it and as long as you come back to me….
But instead of fessing up he just denied everything and said I was the only one for him. I couldn’t take it so I moved out and now he calls and yells at me for not believing him.
Woody, I miss him so much, but he will not listen to me. Should I continue to try and communicate with him or let him go, regretting we are not together?
-- Lonely and Longing
You want to take back a guy who cheats and lies and when given the opportunity to work things out goes into denial mode?
I’d tell you to catch the clue bus but I don’t think you live anywhere near the stop.
The first question I asked the psychologist on my advisory panel is why your boyfriend is denying the obvious. “In his mind,” said the shrink, “he’s not seeing his cheating as a danger to the relationship (“they’re just tricks”). He perceives it as such an unimportant thing; it almost becomes not real and thus deniable.”
That would be the Freudian analysis. Let’s move to the Woodyan analysis: Your boyfriend is an asshole.
He can’t cop to his adultery because admitting it would ruin his self-image as a “good Christian” with high morals. And if he were to even *talk* about having an open relationship, let alone have one, it would confirm his worst fears about himself: That he’s a d*ck-hopping man-whore.
Instead, he’s opting for fig-leaf morality, the kind invented by Republicans and evangelists who preach “family values” while figuring out how to slip into the whorehouse without anybody noticing.
In a way, your boyfriend is just a product of a homophobic society, which trained us to lie and deny our attraction to men as a matter of survival.
Unfortunately, the skill that allows us to survive in one area (say, the military) is the skill that kills in another (say, a relationship).
While society may have f*cked us, it’s up to each of us to unf*ck ourselves. Every gay man has to learn for himself when it’s appropriate to use his life-saving denial skills and when it’s not. So your boyfriend may deserve sympathy but he does not deserve a pass.
If he can’t fess up and have a mature conversation about re-instating monogamy or re-inventing a relationship you need to call-block his ass and move on.
If he lies about tricks wouldn’t he lie about affairs? If he lies about affairs wouldn’t he lie about having safe sex? Where do the lies stop?
Listen, a relationship is like a car. Yours is on cinder blocks with all the wheels off. It may feel good when you’re both in the back seat, but it isn’t going anywhere.
I admit it, I’m a c*m pig. I like it sprayed all over my face. Is it okay for me to leave in on like a moisturizer?
-- Beats Swallowing
Semen contains trace elements of salt, uric acid, alcohol, zinc and chlorine. Not exactly the stuff you want in a skin-care product.
Though there’s very little of these elements, semen liquefies and dries up quickly, wicking off moisture off the top layer of the skin. I’d stick with Oil of Olay.