My Ex and My Best Friend?

My Ex and My Best Friend?

Hey Woody!

Last week I was talking to a friend on his cell phone.  We’re yakking away as he enters my best friend’s house and suddenly he screams.  There, in one of the guest bedrooms, was my best friend getting fucked by my ex-boyfriend.

Apparently, they’ve been fuck buddies since we broke up.  Now, woody, it’s been really hard for me to get over my ex-boyfriend and my friend knew this.  I was finally able and even wanting to be in the same room with him, and then this. 

Because of his actions our inner circle of friends is exploding.  It’s like the center of gravity just collapsed.  Other friends are angry with my best friend, too.  First, my ex- is widely despised.  Second, my friend has always preached—and loudly--that friends are more valuable than tricks (He’s always preaching morality when one of us does something he feels compromises his values). 

 My friend thinks he did nothing wrong and refuses to apologize.  He says they’re not dating, just fucking.   Technically, he’s right.  I can’t lay claim that he did something immoral or even unethical.  I mean, are you obligated to tell your friends who you’re fucking?

Still, I’m really hurt.  I guess I have a choice to make—withdraw from our friendship or pretend like nothing happened.   Do you think I’m being a baby about this?  

 --  Dazed & Confused

 Dear Dazed:

Your situation reminds me of something I’ve said a million times:  Let your brain do thinking and your dick do the acting; not the other way around. 

What you’ve described is an age-old moral dilemma:  Do you fuck someone at the expense of hurting a good friend? 

Of course not, unless he’s hot.  That’s different.

Seriously, it all comes down to a price/value question:  What are you willing to give up to get your d*ck sucked?  I know what your best friend was willing to give up:  YOU.  Yeah, there’s a friend I want to hang out with.

There are a couple of important side issues here: 

1)  How long do you wear the veil and play the widow?

Answer:  As long as it takes.  Some people get over a guy as soon as they get under another.  Other guys it takes years.  Grieving is a deeply personal thing.  Still, while you may have the right to grieve you don’t have a right to suck everyone into it.  That means no prohibiting other people from being friends with your ex or expecting them to warn you when he’s invited to a party and other manipulative bullshit like that.  You have a right to grieve, not the right to make everyone else miserable.

 2)  What should you do if there’s a mutual attraction between you and your best friend’s ex?

Answer:  Short-term dick isn’t worth a long-time friendship, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.  As a staunch believer in the “having my cake and eating it too” school of morality, I think it’s possible to keep your friendship intact and your best friend’s ex-boyfriend in bed.  Here’s how:

  A.       The Direct, Non-Stop Route.  Go to your friend and lay it out:  “There’s a lot of sexual tension between me and your ex.  I can’t deny that I’m attracted to him but there’s no way I’m risking our friendship over it.  Would you be upset if something happened between us? Because if you would be, it’s the end of the discussion.  Your friendship is way too valuable.” 

 B.       The subtle, Non-direct method.   Say, “You know, you’re ex- is flirting with me.  Have you noticed it?”  Gage his reaction.  If he gets upset stay clear of the ex.  If he doesn’t, jump on that thang.

Your friend committed a monumental act of deception and betrayal.  If you want to stay friends with somebody like that be my guest.  Just don’t introduce us.