Need Wood? January 14, 2010

Hey, Woody!

I'm a total top. Love the feeling, the power trip, the whole deal. But even though I get rock hard erections and thoroughly enjoy railing my [grateful] dates, I can't c*m! A friend of mine told me it was all mental and that I was preoccupied with just trying to be a “stud,” but whether I'm f---ing a chick or a dude (and enjoying it), I just can't seem to nut. Usually I have to end up taking control and j/o until I c*m. The guys (or girls) will be sucking on me or whatever and it'll be amazing...but for some reason I JUST CAN'T climax no matter how much I want to. What's wrong with me?

- Tired of going without coming

Dear Tired:

There are a lot of reasons you can't burp the baby: You might not have enough stimulation--sometimes orifices just aren't tight enough. You might have “trained” your body to orgasm with a masturbatory pattern that intercourse can't match. You might be watching too much porn, sensitizing yourself to need more and more unrealistically beautiful people or outrageous acts.

Or maybe you're just banging the wrong people.

But the most likely reason is what I tenderly like to call “Issues.” Note the capitalization. It's my way of saying THERAPY without having to type out the word. Basically, you have an internal conflict between your conscious desire (“I want to cum in him”) and your subconscious unwillingness (“If I let go he's in control. He'll dominate me. He'll own me. I'll be his slave, he'll consume me. I WILL DIE”).

Really, it's lousy self-talk when you're f--ing someone.

But you're having that conversation with yourself and you don't even know it. Remember, “subconscious” means below the level of conscious awareness. The stupid thing is the inability to ejaculate with a partner happens to lots of guys who are “emotionally available” in every other way. It's just that somewhere along the line in their sexual life they made a decision to protect themselves. Some guys can't come at all in the presence of a partner; some only during intercourse. Different doors are locked in different houses.

The solution? Bring your subconscious thoughts to awareness. Understand you are in charge of your ejaculation even if you're not manually controlling it. Reframe your thinking from “I want but I can't” to “I want but I won't.”

This isn't some pop psychology/build it and you will come bullshit. There's a big difference between CAN'T (an inability) and WON'T (an unwillingness). I know it doesn't make sense that you'd be unwilling to do what you desperately want, but you only have to look at the millions of men who are pee shy to understand the phenomenon. They want to pee. Their bladder is bursting, but they just can't do it unless they're alone. They're fighting your fight: a conscious desire subverted by a subconscious fear.

If you want to ladle your macho gazpacho to soup-hungry partners, you have to consciously “undecide” a subconsciously made decision. You have to stop believing that you'll lose control if you let your partners get you off with their hands, their mouth or their orifices. You have to believe that when you ejaculate you will be whole, you will not lose your identity, you will not be their slave.

None of this is easy to do. If you want help, Google “sex therapist” in your city and exercise your dialing finger. You have a condition called “ejaculatory inhibition.” A good therapist can help you get to the point where your partners will say, “Wow, you were hot. Wet, sticky and hot.”