Written by Mark Rutherford LCSW on August 12 2010
Can you help me with something? I’m a 32 year old gay man. I don’t want to sound arrogant, but by all accounts I think I’m very good looking. People have told me I look like I should be on a soap opera. I work out and have a great body. I have been single now for two years. My last boyfriend cheated on me and it ended things. I have a good circle of friends and have been going out a lot. I tend to get lots of attention - many guys, both young and old, cruising me. I give my number to a lot of guys. I’ve had a few first dates but nothing beyond that. In fact, some of the guys never even call me. What’s up with that?
I mean, I’m a nice guy. I can make pleasant conversation. I have a nice smile and am well hung. I’ve got the goods. Where are all the guys?
Antoine, Wilton Manors
It sounds like everything is in order. No visible problematic pieces. Let me ask you this…how soon into your initial conversation with a guy do you start talking about your good qualities? My question is: How much of the conversation is initially focused on you and your life? This in and of itself isn’t such a bad thing, but you want to find some way to find balance in a conversation. How much do you ask them about their lives? Their jobs? Their interests? These questions are important in establishing that you have some interest in them. You’re a good looking guy. That intimidates some guys. Be extra friendly and see where that gets you.
Also, when your cruise, how much of your attention is focused on them? There is a subtle difference between “look at me” and “wow…you’re hot.” It’s good to be confident. But it’s also good to be humble. I have a feeling if you focus a bit more of your energy outward rather than inward, you may have more guys chomping at the bit.
Having an ex cheat on you is a hard thing. It can damage one’s self esteem. (been there…done that…have the t-shirt). But you can’t let another person’s issues affect the way you treat yourself and others. Have a talk with yourself before going into a bar. Tell yourself you are handsome and a catch. Then make a promise with yourself…whoever you happen to meet/cruise/talk to while you’re in the bar, make sure to ask them three questions about themselves. And when they are answering you, be sure to look them in the eyes. Hope this helps.
Take Care, Mark Rutherford LCSW