Question Mark August 19, 2010

Dear Mark,

I'm a 43 year old gay man. I have had a few significant relationships in my life. However none of them have lasted more than 6 years. All my life I dreamed of meeting someone to fall in love with and for us to be able to have kids and a family. Of course, being gay, we'd have to adopt or find a surrogate. My family has always been accepting of me and have supported my life and my decision to have kids. I always thought I could have it all.

Now I'm not so sure. After my last relationship broke up almost 3 years ago, I was determined to find another partner. My last partner decided at the last minute he didn't want to be tied down by kids. He was 37 and I was 40. Maybe the age difference had something to do with it. But I was ready and was devastated he was not. I made it my goal to find someone who wanted to have kids. But finding a suitable partner, especially when you are looking, is not as easy as it would sound. Countless blind dates, and internet dating websites later, I am still single. And now I'm getting a little desperate. I feel like my dream may not come true.

A few months ago I made the decision to adopt as a single man. But since then I have wavered. I'm afraid I may not be able to pull it off alone. I'm afraid the laws in Florida won't allow me to adopt. I'm afraid if I adopt now when I meet someone he will feel left out and it may ruin the prospects of a relationship. I'm afraid my child will resent me someday for not giving him/her two parents. Interestingly my gay friends haven't been that supportive of my idea. So I'm also afraid I may be outcast a bit and lose my social connections. What should I do? Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely, R

Palm Beach

Dear R,

You need to see a therapist and hash some of these questions out. They are big questions and cannot be answered adequately in an email. I'd be happy to see you in person or to refer you to a therapist you feel comfortable with. That being said, I think you are making a wonderful choice for yourself. As a father myself, I can tell you there is no greater joy than seeing your child happy and prospering. It is also the hardest thing I have ever done...but truly the best thing too.

I suggest you speak to a lawyer who is skilled in gay and lesbian adoption law. I have a few lawyers I could refer you to. Feel free to contact my office at 561-835-6821 and I can give you that information. That is your first step. I would also confront the friends that you are closest too. They may be giving you some sort of negative vibe. I would ask them directly what they are feeling, which you may have misinterpreted. They may actually just be concerned for you. Either way, you should find out.

Lastly, anyone who falls in love with you will find room in their heart for your child. There are countless gay couples where one man has had kids before the partnership. These relationships have worked out just fine. I know you are scared. But if this is what you want in your heart, I say go for it. Best of luck.

Take Care, Mark Rutherford LCSW