Question Mark January 21, 2010

Dear Mark,

I have a problem I wanted to write you about. There's this guy at work that I really like and [I'm] not sure what to do about it. I've had a crush on a guy at my office for almost 6 months. We've talked almost every day. I think he really likes me but cannot be sure. Over the holidays we sort of got out of our routine of speaking everyday and now I'm confused. You see, we haven't talked for almost ten days. It began right before New Year's Eve. A girl friend of mine suggested that I shouldn't call him every day. She said that I should try to find out whether he really liked me by not calling him first, but waiting for him to call me. She said that if he didn't call me, he didn't like me that much. So, I did. I decided not to call him two or three days.

It turned out that he didn't call me or send me messages. I missed him so much, so I called him and sent him a happy New Year-greeting message. He didn't take my call and the message wasn't delivered due to the heavy traffic of messages during New Year's Eve. He mentioned once that sometimes he didn't take calls from anyone if he was busy or if he didn't hear his phone ring, but he said that if he knew it was me who called he always picked it up, so I thought that he must have been busy, considering it was vacation.

But, I tried to call him everyday again. He never picked up the phone. I sent him messages, casual ones, you know, asking how he was or his vacation was. But he never replied me.

I have thought over whether I made mistakes last time we talked, but I couldn't think of anything. I mean he was very nice last time we talked. Very, very sweet. He even introduced me to his four-year-old niece who wanted to talk to me. And he shared his plans for vacation with me. He said he would spend his vacation at his sister's house. He had been there when we talked.

I thought perhaps his niece mentioned about me to her mother, and she talked to him and made him change his mind about me. But of course, that's only a wild guess. Maybe it's because she thinks he may be gay. Maybe he isn't out to his family?

I'm thinking about sending him a farewell message. You know, a message that states that I'm not going to call him or send him messages anymore, but I don't want to make it worse. I'm meeting him this Monday at work. He is going to be there and frankly, I don't know how I'll feel when I meet him that day. I don't know how to behave, either.

Please, Mark, could you suggest something that I should do? I really need your advice.

Sincerely,

Brian

Hi Brian,

I'm sorry you are struggling with this man. It is clear you have strong feelings for him. What we don't know yet is how he feels about you. How did this Monday go when you saw him at work? How did he act? What kind of "vibe" did you get from him? It seems as if he may be shy. From what you told me, he isn't trying to avoid you. He talks with you often and even shares some intimate details of his life with you. This isn't indicative of someone who is trying get away from you. But then he does disappear for periods of time. Are you sure he isn't dating someone else? Have you ever asked him about his dating history? Does he have any interest in entering into another relationship (with you or with anyone)? Do you know for certain he is gay?

You wrote how hard it would be for you to reveal your feelings for him. Does he know for certain you are gay? Has your position on this changed at all? Is there a "safer" gesture you could make that would clarify for him your feelings? Did you get him a present for the holidays? If so, how did he react? Have you told anyone else in the workplace about your feelings for him? I'll look forward to hearing from you.

Take Care,

Mark

Mark Rutherford is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in West Palm Beach. He can be reached at 561-835-6821 or at www.MDRutherford.com

Good luck!

Take Care,

Mark Rutherford LCSW