April 3rd 2008

GOP Sex Scandal Surprise!
Another sex scandal has hit the “Gay Old Party” but this one has a twist. U.S. Congressman from the 43rd House district of Wyoming, Nipsey McKenna, was found having illicit sex with a woman. The 67-year old, nine-term, unmarried Congressman has recently been seen with 58-year old Anna Bolton holding hands and walking through “The Mall” in Washington, D.C. When the F.B.I. was informed of this public display of affection, they did a full investigation and followed the couple to a local Days Inn. Peeking through the window of the motel room (which is permitted by the ‘Patriot Act’), F.B.I. agent, Jedgar Hoover, observed the couple having sex, missionary-style in the dark. When confronted with the F.B.I. findings, McKenna claimed he “did not have sexual relations with that women,” but the F.B.I. then produced photographic evidence to the contrary. “This is totally irresponsible and unforgivable,” said Ralph Godly, from the organization Focus on Forcing Our Morality On Americans, a long-time supporter of McKenna. “He’s a man, she’s a woman, they aren’t married to each other! He should keep it in his pants and she’s a whore.” McKenna said that he and Anne love each other very much and the next time they get together they’ll do it at a Motel 6, where, he claimed, “they’ll leave a light on for us.”

Ask, Tell and Be Mary!
Due to a shortage of men and women enlisting in the armed services and the shortage of troops defending our country against Al Queda terrorists and weapons of mass destruction in Iraq threatening to destroy our freedoms, the Bush administration has decided to drop the long-standing, anti-gay “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy in favor of a new, pro-gay “Ask, Tell and Be Mary” policy — welcoming gays into the defense of our country. “We want you, we need you, we love you,” said Defense Department spokesman, Jeremiah “Butch” Jameson, “We want you to be part of us. We welcome you with open arms and we see the folly of our past ways,” Jameson continued. However, there will be no changes to military procedures, treating the new, out-homosexual troops with the same respect as the non-homosexual troops. One change “Butch” said would be made was that the soap for the showers would be extra-slippery. “With the welcoming of the homosexual community into the armed services, the United States now becomes equal with the homosexual military treatment of many of our European allies in the defense of liberty and we’re sure to win the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Can you imagine a lesbian coming at you with a shoulder-held rocket launcher? ”Butch stated. “What can possibly be scarier than that?” “Butch” did note that this will be a temporary test program only and after the wars are over, the Defense Department is going to send our “faggoty-pansie-asses” back home.

Dems’ Delegate Dilemma Decided!
The Democratic Party has decided that the presidential nominating delegates from Florida and Michigan will be seated at the upcoming Democratic National Convention to be held in Denver. Citing that redoing the previous primaries would be too expensive and caucuses were too confusing, the Democrats would use a series of “Rock-Paper-Scissors” contests held throughout the two states. Each time a candidate wins a round, he or she will be awarded more of the delegates. Officiating at the various rounds will be former Vice President Al Gore and former Presidential-aide, Monica Lewinsky. Senator Barack Obama has announced that he will represent himself in the series of contests but the Clinton campaign has yet to determine whether Bill or Hillary will play for the Clinton team. A spokesperson for the Barak Obama campaign said that the senator thought this would be a fair solution to the delegate problem. A Clinton campaign spokesperson agreed with Obama, saying that their campaign committee too feels that this is a fair and equitable solution but warns that if they don’t win a substantial portion of the delegates in the two states, they will challenge the final results at the nominating convention this summer.

A New Gay Pride Group?!
Feeling that neither of the two gay pride committees adequately represents the gay Hungarian community, the two members of that community have decided to hold their own gay pride celebration, complete with parade, some time in August. “It will be terrific fun” said one of the members of the group who wishes to remain anonymous because he’s afraid that people will make fun of his Hungarian ancestry, “and we have some surprises planned for the three-hour event.” They are planning on a parade that will start in the parking lot of Boardwalk and go south on Andrews Avenue to the Gay and Lesbian Community Center where the festival will take place. The fledgling group admits that it only takes two to tango, but more than that to put on a pride festival, so they have decided to merge with other southern-eastern European gay groups in this area. They have already been in contact with Romanian, Yugoslavian and Bulgarian gays and invited them to join and they will rename themselves Transylvanian Gay Pride. “Everyone knows what a great sucker Count Dracula was,” explained one of the members, “we can make him an honorary member and mascot.” Holding their celebration in August, one of our hottest months, they plan to theme this year’s celebration, “Blood, Sweat and Pride”.

That’s it for this week’s special April Fools’ “The Situation” installment and my writers and I will return next week with more real news, which is usually more bizarre.