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How to Drive Bottoms Wild

Hey Woody!

I hooked up with a horny, passionate guy a few times recently and want to ensure that I give him the best screwing possible. Luckily, I have great staying power when I’m topping him (sometimes too long, but that’s a “problem” for another time). Got any advice on how to drive bottoms wild? I want to keep this guy around!


– Considerate Top

 

wood3

 

 

 

 

Hey Woody!

I hooked up with a horny, passionate guy a few times recently and want to ensure that I give him the best screwing possible. Luckily, I have great staying power when I’m topping him (sometimes too long, but that’s a “problem” for another time). Got any advice on how to drive bottoms wild? I want to keep this guy around!


– Considerate Top

 

 

Dear Considerate,

We’ll get into tactics in a minute, but first a warning: Good techniques make good technicians. It’s passion that drives people crazy. Why do you think Latin lovers have the reputation of being great in bed? Because they’re skilled workers? No, because they’re passionate and that passion leads them to trying new things and doing them well.

Now having said that, there are ways to make your sessions so hot his ass will set off the smoke detector. It basically comes down to how you thrust. This is the most important of all techniques and the least understood, due in large part because of what I call “jackhammer porn.” Since most of us watch porn and it almost always shows machine-like f—ing, we sort of “learn” what they teach: Vary the positions but not the pace.

Thrusting patterns are important because the law of diminishing returns says pleasure is inversely related to repetition. You know how the first few bites of a great steak always taste better than the last few? It’s because you didn’t pause, take a sip of wine, or a bite of a side dish. Taste buds get sensitized easily – so do manginas. Mix things up a little so that that the taste buds in his rectum don’t get sensitized. Okay, did that last sentence make anybody else nauseous? Because I’m about to blow chunks.

Anyway, here are some classic Tantric sex techniques that’ll keep those rectal taste buds on high alert:

The “Thrusts Of The Heron”: If it were a law, I’d call it “Three Thrusts and You’re Out.” You go in deeply for three consecutive thrusts, and then go in very shallow.

The “Thrusts Of The Dragon”: This is basically tripling the Three Thrusts and You’re Out rule. You thrust deeply nine times and then once shallowly. You can also do the reverse: Thrust shallowly for nine times, then once very deeply.

The “Thrusts Of The Phoenix”: Okay, this one takes some math, so skip it if you got confused by the book, “Subtraction: Addition’s Tricky Friend.” Basically, the pattern is 9 deep/1shallow, 8 deep/2 shallow, 7 deep/3 shallow, and so on until you reverse it and get to 1deep/9 shallow.

Other thrust patterns: Alternate slow and deep with slow and shallow. Or try the “mouse” technique: Quick and shallow thrusts. Then of course, there’s the Eagle: hold your penis motionless at the entrance of his starfish, then swoop in quickly and deeply – but for heaven’s sake, do this AFTER you’ve been screwing for a while. Otherwise, it’ll hurt so much your partner will knock you into the fall elections, which will hopefully stay Democratic because I don’t know who can take all that Teabagger ass-hammering. Talk about jackhammer thrusts! These people must be awful in bed—the same exact thrusting pattern night after night for seven years. Is anybody else’s ass sore?

Again, these are general rules—different thrusts for different butts, I always say. The whole idea is to vary the stimulation. Do that and his butt hole will blink “Welcome!” in Morse code every time he sees you.

 

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