Coming to Grips with Dark Urges
I thought I was out of my mind going to this guy’s house when he told me he had a basement dungeon, but my curiosity about the rough scene was more than I could take. He had thousands of dollars worth of, uhm, “equipment.” It was the best sex I ever had. After our session he told me about guys that don’t respect boundaries and don’t use proper procedure with regard to safety. I know his warnings were meant to help me but now I’m too afraid to pursue the scene.
I thought I was out of my mind going to this guy’s house when he told me he had a basement dungeon, but my curiosity about the rough scene was more than I could take. He had thousands of dollars worth of, uhm, “equipment.” It was the best sex I ever had. After our session he told me about guys that don’t respect boundaries and don’t use proper procedure with regard to safety. I know his warnings were meant to help me but now I’m too afraid to pursue the scene. Ever since the experience with that guy, the sex I’m having is just so B-O-R-I-N-G and there are even times where I’ve stopped my vanilla partners and said, “Sorry, I’m just not that into it.” What should I do? Who can I turn to? There must be organizations out there…
Dear In Need,
Ever heard of Google? Or calling up your kinky trick and asking him for introductions? Or typing “leather” into all the hookup sites?
Come on! Your problem isn’t a lack of knowledge or resources. You know exactly how to find what you want. The problem is that what you want scares the hell out of you. It’s ridiculously easy to hook up with guys that want to put your head through a wall (safe word: plaster!). What’s not so easy is to hook up with a consciousness that says, “I’m not a freak for liking what I like. I have the right to express my sexual desires with consenting adults in any way I want.”
Basically, you’re coming out for the second time. Remember how scary it was to go to your first gay bar? To admit to yourself that you liked guys? To risk the love of family and friends? To take the chance that the people you care about will abandon you?
Well, you’re going through it again. Only this time it ain’t a closet you’re coming out of; it’s a dungeon. You hate yourself for liking the scene. You’re afraid that what it says about you is diametrically opposed to how you think about yourself. Just like the first time you came out.
So the answer isn’t so much finding the right group or the right places as it is abandoning the misplaced judgment and the cruel self-talk. Once you accept the fact that there’s nothing wrong with you the fog will lift and you’ll find plenty of people to play with. Trust me, you ain’t the only one who wants to play ashtray to somebody’s cigarette.
My partner and I are trying to add a little more zing to our sex life. Any suggestions outside of the usual bondage and spanking stuff?
– Looking for different
Listen, you wrote the wrong guy. My idea of kinky is having sex with a guy whose name I remember, so I’m going to refer to my late friend, Robert Davolt, author of “Painfully Obvious.” He always suggested heat play for the bored. Basically, you drip candle wax on certain body parts or apply analgesic heat creams that athletes use. A couple of cautions: Minimize wax burns and welts by pouring from further away than you think (say, 8-12 inches from the skin). This gives the wax more time to cool before it hits the skin. However, it does increase the splatter factor. Robert thought about all the angles, that’s why I loved him. He also warned that different colors and scents cause candles to melt at different temperatures, so test it out on yourself first.
You can also get some good ideas from the book “Screw the Roses: Send Me the Thorns.” The title alone makes me wanna hurt somebody.