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Cock Rings

 

Hey Woody,

I want to try a c*ck ring but I don’t know what to buy or how to put it on. It’s all so confusing. How do you decide between leather, metal, or Velcro? My c*ck is about six inches, so what size should I get? It’s not like you can take a bunch of rings into a dressing room and try them on! Sorry for peppering you with all these questions but I’m too embarrassed to ask the clerks at the store!

– Cocky

wood3

 

needwood1Hey Woody,

 

I want to try a c*ck ring but I don’t know what to buy or how to put it on. It’s all so confusing. How do you decide between leather, metal, or Velcro? My c*ck is about six inches, so what size should I get? It’s not like you can take a bunch of rings into a dressing room and try them on! Sorry for peppering you with all these questions but I’m too embarrassed to ask the clerks at the store!

 

– Cocky

 

Dear Cocky,

 

Think of c*ck rings as do-it-yourself Viagra. They help you last longer, give you stronger erections and orgasms that are more powerful. But then, so does Jake Gyllenhaal. Problem is, you can’t buy him at an adult store.

 

Anyway, it helps to know some fundamentals: During an erection, blood flows into your d*ck through the arteries but they leave through the veins. Because veins are close to the surface and arteries are not, c*ck rings can let blood flow into the penis but block it from leaving. Sort of like letting somebody into the bedroom and then locking the door so they can’t get out. Which, when you think about it, isn’t a bad dating strategy.

 

Anyway, the result is a nice piece of bulging, pulsating man-meat. The kind you write home to Mom about. The whole point to wearing them is to get a heightened sexual experience. And to last longer in bed. You know how an erection can come and go during a session? Well, that won’t really happen with a c*ck ring because it stops blood from leaving your d*ck.

Here’s what to look for if you want to add a little zing to the springs:

 

Fit: You want it snug without cutting off circulation. Heed my words. I’m not referring to Kleenex when I say you’ll risk tissue damage with the wrong size.

 

Size: C*ck rings are made by the size of your package circumference, not the size of your d*ck. Take a string and slip it behind your balls. Bring it up and around your flaccid penis (God, are those two of the ugliest words or what?). Mark the string on both sides where it comes together. Make sure it’s snug. Measuring the distance between the marks gives you the package circumference. Because c*ck-rings are measured at the diameter, you’ll need to divide the length of the string by pi (3.14) to find the right-sized ring. Example: Let’s say the length of your string is 6.28″. Dividing it by 3.14 = 2, so, you’d buy a 2″ c*ck-ring.

 

Materials: Stick to rings made of materials that’ll stretch, like silicone. Actually, the material doesn’t matter as long as the ring has adjustable buckles, snaps, or Velcro. Forget about solid rubber and metal rings. They don’t stretch or adjust, potentially cutting off your circulation and landing you in the ER. And there ain’t nothing fun about going there. The lighting is bad, the outfits are horrible, and they have no idea what a VIP line is.

 

Fur. You may want to do a little manscaping around the scrotum and penis. Catching hair in a ring is like catching a javelin—there’ll be lots of screaming.

 

Technique. Put your nuts into the ring – one testicle at a time. Once you slip the second testicle through, push your flaccid penis (oi vey, those two words again) into the ring. Then sniff your partner and let nature take its course.

 

Timing. Don’t ever wear it for more than 20 minutes. Ever. When you first start, be safe and limit yourself to ten. Otherwise, it’s back to the ER and remember, they’re not gay bars. They won’t let you jump the line just because you’re hot.

 

Half the guys you like are turned off by your body language. Turn them on with the secrets in woody’s new ebook, “ATTRACT HOTTER GUYS with the Secrets & Science of Sexual Body Language,” available at MikeAlvear.com/ebook


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