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How Do I Get Clean Down There?

 

Hey Woody,

Whenever guys meet me, they always assume I’m a bottom. That wouldn’t be a problem if I had not avoided anal sex all my life. I’ve played with dildos so it’s not pain that scares me. It’s, well, becoming “too relaxed” and having …uhm… “uninvited guests.” YIKES! How do those voracious bottoms do it? Their laundry bill must be staggering. I want to bottom but I’m scared. Should I douche before I go out in case I meet someone who thinks my name is Helium Heels?

– Bottom Wannabe 

wood3

 

Hey Woody,

 

Whenever guys meet me, they always assume I’m a bottom. That wouldn’t be a problem if I had not avoided anal sex all my life. I’ve played with dildos so it’s not pain that scares me. It’s, well, becoming “too relaxed” and having …uhm… “uninvited guests.” YIKES! How do those voracious bottoms do it? Their laundry bill must be staggering. I want to bottom but I’m scared. Should I douche before I go out in case I meet someone who thinks my name is Helium Heels?

 

– Bottom Wannabe

 

Dear Wannabe,

 

If cleanliness is the only obstacle between you and plutonium-grade sex then I say douche every time you go out. There’s no harm in frequent douching as long as you do it with plain water.

If you don’t take precautions, you might experience the nightmare a good friend had to deal with. In the middle of banging his boyfriend like a sack of cement, he unintentionally pulled all the way out and the suction created a ‘shit bomb’ that hit every corner of the room.

 

Now, admittedly, the odds of that happening are low, but still, if that story doesn’t scare you into cleaning your mangina nothing will. Douching is the best way to go. Gravy’s only good on mashed potatoes. Still, most people don’t need to douche as long as they eat right and shit effortlessly. Believe it or not, taking a dump the wrong way, regularly holding in farts or eating poorly will increase the chances of a very brown bed sheet.

 

Here’s why: Your anal canal and rectum do not store feces. They’re merely a passageway to empty the colon. However, they DO store feces if you constantly ignore or delay bowel movements. Or block farts. Why? Because it interferes with the ‘rectal reflex’ that allows shit to go all the way out of the rectum without leaving any “stragglers.”

 

So how do you keep ‘rectal reflex’ reflexing? By going when you have to go and farting when you have to fart (special exceptions made for business presentations, library studies and hitting on hotties).

 

You’ve also got to eat lots of fiber and drink lots of water. Together, they’ll make your shit go through the colon, down the rectum and completely out of the anal canal. If there’s any residue, it can be cleaned in the shower with a little finger mopping.

 

If you’re properly schooled in the toilet arts and you’re eating enough fiber to cement the government’s food pyramid to the floor, then all you need is a surface cleaning. Still, every once in a while you might want to douche (French for cleaning a body cavity).

 

Here’s how: Stick a water-holding instrument in your butt, squeeze the water into your rectum, clench your sphincter to hold the water in for a minute or so, then let the water out. Repeat until you’re so clean the folks at Brita would hold up a glass of your butt-spit and drink every drop.

 

Now, I want you to yell, “MY ASS IS ON FIRE!” I really do, but for the right reasons. So, stick to plain water when you douche and skip any chemicals. Also, make sure the tip of the instrument is soft and well lubricated; otherwise, you’ll tear the lining of your anus.

 

There’s a shitload of douching options, including the cheap Fleet bottles you can buy at drug stores, ear syringe bulbs for cleaning the inner ear and specialized rectal hygiene bulbs specifically made to make your ass shine like a show car. For example, the Vulcanite Anal Douche Rectal Syringe Bulb. Tell your mom you want it for your birthday.

 

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