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Hey Woody,

My new boyfriend smells down there. I’ve suggested showers before sex but no go— I still have to wear a clothespin on my nose if I get anywhere near his crotch. This is going to be a real deal-breaker. In every other way I’m so into him, but how do you have a love life without inhaling?

– Gasping


Hey Woody,

My new boyfriend smells down there. I’ve suggested showers before sex but no go— I still have to wear a clothespin on my nose if I get anywhere near his crotch. This is going to be a real deal-breaker. In every other way I’m so into him, but how do you have a love life without inhaling?

– Gasping

Dear Gasping,

It’s not his odor that’s killing your sex life; it’s your silence. The body grows accustomed to its own odors, so he most likely doesn’t know there’s a paper-peeling smell coming from his crotch. He’s either uncircumcised and not cleaning well under the foreskin or he’s got a yeast infection. Yes, men get them too. It’s called Balinitis. It occurs mostly in diabetics and uncircumcised men. You can get it through trauma or minor injury to the foreskin and penis. And by trauma, I don’t mean the kind where the ugly one in the three-way whispers “save the best for me.” I mean the kind of trauma that comes from excessive masturbation.

But mostly, male yeast infections come from bad hygiene. To avoid that yucky yeasty feeling, wash your penis every day with soap and water.

So back to the fun part: How to tell your partner he smells like a grease-encrusted vomit bucket. Start the conversation by telling him how much you enjoy making love. Christ, did I say “making love?” Then show concern and say, “Honey, I’m worried that you might have a problem down there. You’re not smelling very, uhm, fresh and that’s usually a sign of an infection.” Yes, he’ll be embarrassed but then he’ll be grateful. What man wouldn’t trade a few minutes of embarrassment for a lifetime of great oral?

Hey Woody,

Do you think I should be honest about how many sexual partners I’ve had? It’s not like my new boyfriend is ever going to meet them (well, at least most of them!) and I think whether they deny it or not, deep down men don’t like the thought that their partner has had lots of men.

– No Virgin

Dear No Virgin,

Couples dive in dangerous waters when they ask about their partner’s sexual history. Friends may be impressed that you need a logarithm to figure out how many parts you’ve poked but potential partners will most likely be appalled, which frankly, seems a bit strange to me. I love to hear my boyfriend’s past exploits. It doesn’t bother me because I’m more concerned about our future than his past. Besides, there’s a curious double standard going on. Guys want their partners to be great in bed, but they don’t want to hear what it takes: Practice!

Unless you’re pretty sure of his reaction, I would avoid the conversation at all costs. If he asks, then duck, dodge and weave. The best way is to simply say, “You know, I make it a personal policy not to talk or ask about past relationships. Nothing good has ever come of it. I’d so much rather talk about our sex life.”

If he’s insistent, then you KNOW he’s going to have a fit if the number is north of what he considers acceptable – all the more reason not to tell him. But if you feel you have to, remember the best defense is a good offense. Ask him what number is acceptable to him. What number keeps you in the “good girl” category and what number cages you in the “slut” pen? If he gives you a number, then you’ve got to decide if you want a relationship that requires lying to keep the peace.

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Sweating Too Much

Hey Woody,

I read your answer to “smelly” (how to tell your new boyfriend his crotch smells like a grease-encrusted vomit bucket). Loved your answer but wanted to add a different dimension to the problem. I’m one of those guys who smell down there because I sweat so much. It’s very embarrassing. It doesn’t take much to soak my shirt. I could be in a mildly warm bar and sweat like I’m a whore in church. Any advice for people like me?

– Spikot

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