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Hey Woody,

I’ve always disagreed with your position that oral sex is safe. You say it is; I say it isn’t. And here’s the proof. Donald L. Sodora, PhD, assistant professor of internal medicine, infectious diseases, and microbiology at the University of Texas Southwest Medical Center in Dallas recently did a study on monkeys and found the AIDS virus quickly spreads from the mouth to the rest of the body. Here’s what he said: “The study shows that oral exposure to HIV is a way a person can hypothetically be infected. We know babies get infected from HIV in breast milk. So it is not a big stretch to think semen could infect you orally. …

Hey Woody,

I’ve always disagreed with your position that oral sex is safe. You say it is; I say it isn’t. And here’s the proof. Donald L. Sodora, PhD, assistant professor of internal medicine, infectious diseases, and microbiology at the University of Texas Southwest Medical Center in Dallas recently did a study on monkeys and found the AIDS virus quickly spreads from the mouth to the rest of the body. Here’s what he said: “The study shows that oral exposure to HIV is a way a person can hypothetically be infected. We know babies get infected from HIV in breast milk. So it is not a big stretch to think semen could infect you orally… I don’t think this is a safer way to have sex.” By not urging people to have oral sex with a condom I think you’re a danger to our community, adding kerosene to the fire of this ravaging disease. I’d like an apology and a promise that you’ll warn people off oral sex without a condom.

— Pissed Off

Dear Pissed Off,

You know how tired I am of that “oral sex is dangerous” bullshit? I’m Ethiopian tired. I don’t even have enough strength to wave the flies off the sh*t you’re buzzing around me.

First, that study was done on monkeys, not humans. I know we look alike — especially at Pride — but our immune systems respond differently.

It’s hard to get consensus from AIDS researchers on anything, but oral sex is one of them: It rarely spreads HIV. And when it does it’s almost always because you have a cut, scrape or irritation in your mouth.

At a World AIDS Conference, a well-respected scientist presented data from a study of 400 men whose only form of sexual behavior was receiving oral sex. Despite almost no condom use with multiple partners — many of them known to have been HIV+ — none, NOT ONE of the men came down with HIV infection.

“We had zero infections over 1,493 person-years of exposure to oral receptive sex,” the researcher told WebMD. “This doesn’t mean there aren’t factors that contribute to easier HIV transmission by oral sex. It does happen. But data confirm it is a pretty rare occurrence.”

Bottom line: As long as you don’t have cuts or scrapes in your mouth, you have a better chance of being hit by a bus than getting HIV through oral sex. If you want to cave in to AIDS hysteria, then fine, suck on a big one wrapped in a rubber. I’m sure it tastes delicious.

Hey Woody,

I’m 20-years-old and I’ve just had my first wet dream. I know, slow grower. I want to have more (it was way hot!) but it’s not something you pick up, like a guy at a bar. I have a feeling you’re going to tell me the only way to wake up with more gook in my sheets is to stop “bleeding the lizard” as one of my friends so charmingly puts it. Say it isn’t so. How can I have more wet dreams?

— Dreamer

Dear Dreamer,

Well, you guessed right. Shake the steak and you lower the stakes. Wet dreams are the body’s way of releasing semen when you’re not masturbating or having sex. The more that comes out of you when you’re awake the less will come out of you when you sleep.

The bad news is that even if you keep your hands north of your belt it won’t guarantee more wet dreams. At least not for the first few months. The body has its own way of regulating itself.

Still, there’s only one way to find out. Stop ejaculating and see what happens. Maybe you’ll drown in wet dreams, maybe not.

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Sweating Too Much

Hey Woody,

I read your answer to “smelly” (how to tell your new boyfriend his crotch smells like a grease-encrusted vomit bucket). Loved your answer but wanted to add a different dimension to the problem. I’m one of those guys who smell down there because I sweat so much. It’s very embarrassing. It doesn’t take much to soak my shirt. I could be in a mildly warm bar and sweat like I’m a whore in church. Any advice for people like me?

– Spikot

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