hollywood-levine-harris-allen-0“I mean, every male secretly wants to have sex with Brad Pitt, but that’s a given.”Adam Levine of Maroon 5 and “The Voice” reveals what men he finds attractive. Personally, I secretly want to have sex with Adam Levine!

hollywood-levine-harris-allen-1“I mean, every male secretly wants to have sex with Brad Pitt, but that’s a given.” – Adam Levine of Maroon 5 and “The Voice” reveals what men he finds attractive. Personally, I secretly want to have sex with Adam Levine!

“BREAKING NEWS – Billy Masters is hovering between life and death after a head-on collision. Not expected to survive.” This is the headline I envisioned as I began my fourth hour in a prominent Boston emergency room lying on a gurney wearing a neck brace. Admittedly, it wouldn’t be a headline in a major paper…but maybe a Hotspots cover would be nice!

While trying to avoid going into the light (and we know how flattering those hospital fluorescents can be), I mused on some of the big questions in life. Like when did male nurses start wearing Crocs? I’m sure they’re comfy, but I felt like I was trapped in a bad episode of “Hawthorne” (as if that ain’t redundant). When my Crocs-wearing nurse asked if I’d like water or juice to take my pain meds, I said juice. He returned with a very large plastic glass of cranberry juice, shaved ice and a bendy straw. Throw in an umbrella and I could have been on an Atlantis cruise!

I had to get out of that damn ER so I could go home and watch the Tony Awards. The show brought out Broadway’s best and brightest. . .and Christie Brinkley. After her Broadway turn in “Chicago” (which has very high standards – Melanie Griffith played the role, for Christ’s sake), she’s repeating the feat in London’s West End. Or an emergency room. Yes, when Brinkley was backstage at the Tonys, a woman fainted. Christie sprung into action. Without a thought for her own health and welfare, she selflessly got the woman a glass of orange juice to raise her blood sugar. She even sat with her until the paramedics arrived. Moments after they arrived, it was announced that Brinkley won a $25K watch in the auction. And with that, like all do-gooders, she disappeared.

Neil Patrick Harris was his usual effervescent self and did a boffo job hosting the show. He also helped bring up the ratings nine percent from last year.

Blair Underwood will be making his Broadway debut as Stanley Kowalski in “A Streetcar Named Desire”. A “multi-racial” production of the play has been discussed for years, and it will allegedly hit the Great White Way next spring.

In what is being described as a coup, “Inside the Actor’s Studio” has booked Madonna for next season. This will be one of those rare episodes where 15 minutes will be spent discussing the craft and the subsequent 45 minutes will find the subject rattling off her favorite curse words.

Everyone’s talking about Anthony Weiner’s weiner. But stray penii were not limited to the political sphere. Nope, we also got a gander at some genitalia courtesy of Tito Ortiz. The fighting champ apparently finished tanning and decided to take a photo of the results with his cellphone. Yet another dubious decision, which was compounded when this photo got sent out via Twitter, proving once again that nothing good happens on Twitter (but you should follow @BillyMasters). Tito says that his account was hacked and he didn’t post the photo. And Monica was just looking for a place to put out that cigar! But back to Tito – he most definitely puts that poor Weiner weiner to shame. Remember Chris Brown’s penis? It’s a little like that. Well, not “little,” as you’ll see on BillyMasters.com.

Speaking of fighters, former wrestler and reality TV star Joanie Laurer (aka Chyna) is dipping more than her toe into adult entertainment. Vivid will soon be releasing “Backdoor to Chyna,” which allegedly shows “penetrative sex and lesbian scenes.” And since I believe all those rumors about Chyna, I’m guessing they had to use the backdoor because there ain’t no front door. The problem is that Laurer is in negotiations to return to wrestling, and the promoters feel a porn connection would be bad publicity – yeah, because men who want to watch really butch chicks beat each other up would be turned off by porn. Come on! Even Chyna doesn’t buy that argument: “It’s all good in the end.” Maybe that’ll be the name of the sequel!

Our “Ask Billy” question comes from Tony in Baltimore, who asks, “Do you watch ‘Game of Thrones’? It’s SO good and the guy who plays Theon is gorgeous and was naked last week – full frontal and everything. Do you have any info about him? He’s got bad teeth, but I’d still do him.”

My fans are such givers – why you’re a regular Christie Brinkley! In this case, you’d be giving it to Alfie Allen – who happens to be the brother of singer Lily Allen. My UK fans might know him from 2009 when he took over the lead role in “Equus” from Daniel Radcliffe and toured in the play. At the time, much was made of Alfie’s penis, which is known to swing with reckless abandon. He would brag to anyone who’d listen that he’d put Harry Potter to shame – and indeed he could. While Danny’s testes have not quite dropped, Alfie’s large, uncut member bobs about. In the episode of HBO’s “Game of Thrones” that Tony is referring to, he even gets somewhat aroused – and it’s quite a sight to behold. So much so that we’ll be posting it in its uncut entirety on BillyMasters.com.

When I’m handing you a nob for less than a bob, it’s time for me to order more HobNobs and end another column. Are you familiar with the milk chocolate HobNobs? They are my favorites – if ever you need to buy me a little prezzie. And I’ll give you something in return – even more gossip on www.BillyMasters.com, the site that never flatlines. If you’ve got a question, drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Madonna joins that multi-racial “Streetcar” – oh, what a Blanche she’d make. Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.



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