More than AIDS, breast cancer, diabetes, heart disease and glitter related infections; there is one health malady that threatens to wipe out the entire gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community… HOMOSEXUALITY. A recent study conducted by the Catholic Church in conjunction with Focus on the Family, National Organization for Marriage, Liberty Counsel and Coral Ridge Ministries found that 100 percent of GLBT people suffer from homosexuality.
Bachman presidency would lead to better healthcare for GLBT community
More than AIDS, breast cancer, diabetes, heart disease and glitter related infections; there is one health malady that threatens to wipe out the entire gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community. . .HOMOSEXUALITY. A recent study conducted by the Catholic Church in conjunction with Focus on the Family, National Organization for Marriage, Liberty Counsel and Coral Ridge Ministries found that 100 percent of GLBT people suffer from homosexuality. While most cynics believe this terrible affliction is incurable, there is one lady who is brave enough to step up to the plate and provide the healthcare necessary to help these poor souls not have to suffer the rest of their miserable lives.
U.S. Representative Michelle Bachman (R-Minnesota) has a plan to throw out the useless legislation known as ObamaCare that President Barack Obama fought so valiantly to pass through Congress in 2010. “As President, I will work to unleash the power of medical innovation and personal choices,” Bachman states on her website. “Because a cure is always better and cheaper than care.”
Bachman knows expanding Medicare to those who live just above the poverty line, ensuring all children receive medical coverage and forcing insurers to stop dropping patients when the healing bills are too expensive is a giant waste of taxpayer money and does nothing to make Americans healthier.
For Bachman, the only way to ensure that people receive the best medical treatment at the fairest prices is to start by curing the gay away, which is currently the largest disorder spreading through the country. According to the Center for Rainbow Disease Control, homosexuality is responsible for the national debt crisis, global warming, tornadoes in the Midwest, Shepard Smith and the high unemployment rate.
“We need to have profound compassion for people who are dealing with the very real issue of sexual dysfunction in their life and sexual identity disorders,” said Bachman in a 2004 interview.
How can one woman handle this ever-growing pandemic? Bachman has put together a three-step plan for her ” Gay-No-More” healthcare plan.
Step 1: Sleep a lot
On several occasions Bachman has stated that every major decision in her life has come from God speaking to her and giving her direction. She has stated that God told her to become a tax attorney. Then God told her to become a full-time mother after her fourth child was born. Then in 2006, God dropped a bombshell on her and told her to run for congress in Minnesota. Recently, God spoke to her again and insisted that she run for president.
“Well, every decision that I make, I pray about, as does my husband, and I can tell you, yes, I’ve had that calling and that tugging on my heart that this is the right thing to do,” Bachmann said.
Since God would not want to deliver his secret plans to Bachman at a bowling alley or a tea dance, we can safely assume that God must talk to her in her sleep. Therefore Bachman plans to Rip Van Winkle her first new months in office to ensure that she receives all the marching orders she needs on ridding America of the gay.
Step 2: Unleash Marcus Bachman
Michelle’s husband Marcus has been stowed away in a giant closet for years now. Marcus is a trained clinical therapist with several Bachman & Associates, Inc. clinics in Minnesota, that practice reparative therapy. While Marcus has not been able to cure himself of flamboyancy, he promises to use the anti-gay laser device he created back in 1999 on every Tom, Dick and Mary.
“I believe my call is to minister to the needs of people in a practical, caring and sensitive way,” Marcus states on his clinic’s website. Marcus will practically care for every gay man in the most sensitive, naked way he knows how—hugs, kisses, sensitive petting.
Step 3: Hope for Change
Bachman touts herself as a serious reformer. “I compare myself to Barack Obama, not any other of the Republican candidates,” Bachman said. Although she has vehemently disagreed with every single issue that President Obama has pushed through the last two congresses, comes from a much more privileged background than Obama, and is a favorite of the Tea Party movement—which seeks to bring America back to the 19th century, Bachman really means she has the same catchphrases as Obama Hope and Change. Bachman will combine them into her campaign slogan, Gays: Hope for Change. Michelle hopes you will change how you were born to conform to her out-dated, unrealistic and ridiculous views.
The truth is no one’s sexual orientation can be changed. Everyone does not like something about themselves. If you are overweight, you can suppress your cravings for bad food and be skinny, but when a red velvet cupcake is around you will gorge to your heart’s content. If you are gay, you can suppress your feelings and live a miserable life in a closet that in today’s American society is seeing many people leave. Finally, if you are an unhinged, obsolete and discriminatory congresswoman who married a suppressing-his-feelings gay man and spend time screaming for smaller government while trying to enact laws that stop two humans who love each other from spending their life together, you can run for president and probably get 40 percent of the vote!