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Hey Woody,

How many calories do you burn having sex? I’m thinking if it’s high enough, wouldn’t promiscuity be a better way of getting fit than going to the gym? Besides, I’d love to be able to say, “I’m not a whore; I’m an athlete.” In all seriousness, if I can freak the fat off, why would I try to try to jog it off?

– Aspiring Slut

 

Hey Woody,

How many calories do you burn having sex? I’m thinking if it’s high enough, wouldn’t promiscuity be a better way of getting fit than going to the gym? Besides, I’d love to be able to say, “I’m not a whore; I’m an athlete.” In all seriousness, if I can freak the fat off, why would I try to try to jog it off?

– Aspiring Slut

Dear Aspiring:

You must be joking. You’re as wrong as pumps at a leather bar. Do the math and you’ll see what I mean. Let’s say you weigh 160 pounds. You’d burn 18 calories while engaging in 10 minutes of foreplay and 102 calories with 20 minutes of intercourse (a ridiculous figure since most guys last an average of 5 minutes when they’re topping).

Even, so compare how many calories you’d burn:

30 minutes of sex: 120 calories

30 minutes of running: 307 calories

30 minutes of aerobics: 254

30 minutes of weightlifting: 220

There are other advantages to working out or playing sports, soup-for-brains. Last time I heard you can’t get syphilis from softball, crabs from croquet or genital warts from weightlifting.

If you go against my advice and pick sexercising over exercising, you can maximize the calorie burn by picking the right activity. Here’s a helpful chart:

REMOVING CLOTHES

With partner’s consent: 10 calories

Without partner’s consent: 300 calories

UNZIPPING PANTS

Using two calm hands: 4 calories

Using one trembling hand: 10 calories

GETTING INTO BED

Lifting partner: 5 calories

Dragging partner along floor: 100 calories

PUTTING ON CONDOM

With experience: 4 calories

Without experience: 60 calories

With erection: 2 calories

Without erection: 200 calories

ORGASM

Real: 35 calories

Faked: 150 calories

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE

Facial expression didn’t change: 1 calorie

Shoes flew off: 100 calories

GUILT

Banging your boss for a promotion: 30 calories

Sex after you’ve called in sick: 20 calories

Bonking each other with parents in other room: 25 calories

GETTING CAUGHT

By your spouse: 150 calories

By partner’s spouse: 60 calories

Trying to explain: 50 calories

Leaping out of bed: 100 calories

Getting dressed in one motion: 500 calories

 

Hey Woody,

I’m 36 and have been single for 4 years now. I went through a very hard time in a previous breakup and unfortunately it caused major insecurities that caused me to push away a wonderful man I was dating. I acted stupid and have apologized over and over again. But, Mr. Man will not give me the time of the day now. What else can I do to tell him how sorry I am and how much I miss him without acting like a desperate fool?

– One sorry bastard

Dear Sorry,

You didn’t tell me what you did so it’s hard to give specifics. After all, the repair factor is directly related to the severity of what you did.

In any case, there’s a thin line between apologizing and harassing. So stop apologizing. Send him a beautiful card and acknowledge, with legible handwriting please, that the hardest part of seeing a potential love affair die is knowing that the wound was self-inflicted. Tell him you understand his need for some time and space to process what’s happened and that you’ll honor it by keeping your distance.

In other words, leave it where Jesus flung it. Send him flowers about a month afterwards. If that doesn’t work, kiss your fantasy goodbye.

 

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