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Untitled-7“Of course!  I think there’s just something about getting into chlorine water that you just automatically go.  I didn’t during the races, but I sure did in warm-up.” – Ryan Lochte answers Ryan Seacrest’s question about peeing in the Olympic pool.  I find it fascinating that he made this revelation.  No one ever tells things like this to Matt Lauer or Meredith…

“Of course!  I think there’s just something about getting into chlorine water that you just automatically go.  I didn’t during the races, but I sure did in warm-up.” – Ryan Lochte answers Ryan Seacrest’s question about peeing in the Olympic pool.  I find it fascinating that he made this revelation.  No one ever tells things like this to Matt Lauer or Meredith Vieira.  Maybe Lochte saved this bon mot for someone who he knew would appreciate a good story about golden showers.

Untitled-6We globetrotters have various issues that don’t plague the average person.  I remember once rushing off a plane for a much-anticipated date and taking a decongestant…or so I thought.  Apparently, I mistakenly took an Ambien.  While I’m not exactly sure what happened during that date, I woke up in a suite that had been prepaid for a week.  Jeremy Renner recently found himself in the exact opposite situation.  He was flying from London to Los Angeles and wanted to make sure he slept the whole way.  He asked a friend for a pill, which he took as he boarded.  The flight departed and he waited to feel drowsy, but nothing happened.  Then he started to get a tingly feeling in his nether region.  And, as he told Jimmy Kimmel, “I realized very quickly that the ‘A’ was actually a little ‘V’ on the pill!”  At this point, Kimmel quipped, “Somebody gave you a Viagra instead of Ambien?  First of all, you need a new doctor…or new friends.”  Renner added that the in-flight crew were aware of the situation and asked if they could be of any assistance.  Flight attendants can be VERY accommodating, something I know firsthand – literally.

Since Jennifer Lopez hooked up with boytoy Casper Smart, there have been rumors that the 24-year-old dancer is gay.  Of course, there hasn’t been any evidence of that…until now.  According to various reports, Casper has been seen in a questionable NYC neighborhood – one that appears to be significantly different than the block Jenny’s from.  According to In Touch, Casper was getting what has been termed as “an appointment-only exotic massage”.  Before you get too excited, it was allegedly from a woman.  They have a witness named Bibi (I bet that’s not her real name) who states that Smart was only there for 10 minutes and that he’s “a nice man.  He has strong muscles.”  And, apparently, he also has youthful vigor.  However, Star magazine has a completely different story.  They say that Casper was in a gay peep show which is situated in the same building.  They have a witness who says, “Yeah, I’ve seen him.  He was in here about three weeks ago.  This is a gay cruising spot.  You go into the booths, and then you get all kinds of tapping on the walls and propositions.”  In addition to these sworn statements, the paparazzi even have photos of Casper in front of the building.  Case closed…right?

Maybe not as Casper and Jenny have stated they will sue both magazines because the stories are false, malicious, defamatory and will cause immense damage to their careers and reputation – funny, I thought the fact that they’re dating already did that.  Anyhoo, they’ve even come up with witnesses of their own – four barbers who work upstairs at Diamond Cuts who claim that Casper was in there for a haircut.  After being serviced (in some manner or other), he realized that he didn’t have any cash on him.  Apparently his mother…er, Jennifer…forgot to give him his allowance.  So he went to the closest ATM machine, which happened to be on the first floor in the porno palace.  Now, I must confess that I’m not familiar with this particular establishment.  However, I have known my share of shady sex shops and I have learned two things about their ATM machines: 1) they always have a very high service fee and 2) you should wear at least two pairs of latex gloves (which will also come in handy later).  Since you know I live for research, I’ve uncovered another problem with this story.  Guess what’s directly across the street from Diamond Cuts?  A huge Chase bank with an ATM vestibule.  Interesting, n’est ce pas?

Many of you fell in love with actor Kevin Zegers when he appeared as the son in “Transamerica.”  Did you know that he’s a Method actor?  To prepare for the role of a hustler, he went to a neighborhood frequented by rent boys and negotiated a “date.”  The man in question offered $200, Kevin wanted $500, they settled on $350.  At that point, Zegers felt his education was complete, went to freshen up in the bathroom, and bolted.  Alas, another missed opportunity.  Anyway, he’ll once again be playing gay in “The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones,” the first in yet another trilogy of films based on books.  Zegers’ character is the gay brother of the female lead.  They don’t get along because the man he loves is in love with her.  And he probably doesn’t have $500.

Our Ask Billy question comes from Louis in Seattle: “I’m obsessed with Joe Manganiello on True Blood and I’m jealous you got to meet him.  Last week, he had a really hot sex scene and I think we might have gotten a quick peek at his package.  Could you look into this?”

Sigh – the things I do for my fans.  I had the techs at Billy Masters International look at the sequence in question and you’re right…and you’re wrong.  You’re right because there is a split-second moment that Alcide is featured in a full-frontal shot.  But upon further investigation (using space age technology second only to NASA), our experts have determined that Manganiello was actually wearing a tiny piece of fabric covering his nether regions.  I know this will be a huge disappointment to you – if nothing else, I hope that “huge” is the correct term.  But this scene is still pretty damn hot and it does have the distinction of showing us more of Joe Manganiello’s fantastic flesh than all of Magic Mike!  To console you, I’ll run the scene and stills on BillyMasters.com.

When Kevin Zegers can be had for $350, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.   I love when we end up having a theme – especially when it’s penises.  And, of course, you can get your fill of ’em at BillyMasters.com, a site for sore eyes.  If you have something you’d like me to personally look into, drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com“>Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I take an Ambien/Viagra cocktail (which sounds like it would go nicely with Tequila – but what doesn’t?).  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

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