For months, you’ve all scoffed at my assertions that the world is coming to an end. And yet, we have another sign that perhaps the Mayans were on to something.
“This is not just any gay play. It’s a theatrical tour de force. In the vein of your gay theatre greats – Tennessee Williams, Oscar Wilde, Tyler Perry. This is not a show on Logo, OK? I want manly men.” – Leslie Jordan as theatre director Harold on Logo’s new series “DTLA”.
For months, you’ve all scoffed at my assertions that the world is coming to an end. And yet, we have another sign that perhaps the Mayans were on to something. This revelation came to me while watching one of David Letterman’s audience-free hurricane shows. Jim Cantore from The Weather Channel explained that, for the first time in recorded history, a storm took a left turn instead of a right. Why? He didn’t have an answer, but I do. One interpretation of the Mayan’s predictions is that the polar caps will magnetically reverse. What does that mean? What do I look like? A meteorologist? A Mayan? Who knows? But I’m not paying any bills until after December 21st.
If you read this column with any regularity, you know that I detest going to tapings of television shows. I can’t stand it. There are exceptions: I’ve gone to two sitcom tapings – one of which was “Will & Grace” when Madonna was the guest star. Given my well-documented devotion to Fran Drescher and her delicious ex Peter Marc Jacobson, and the fact that TV Land’s “Happily Divorced” films on the old “Will & Grace” soundstage, I felt drawn to attend yet another sitcom taping…and I had a blast. OK, there was a VIP room. Food was involved. And liquor. And hot boys. And, best of all, guest stars. This season, people like Joan Collins, Molly Shannon, Florence Henderson, Robert Wagner, Cyndi Lauper, and oodles of others drop by to play with Fran. It’s like the new millennium version of “The Love Boat”! The season premiere is November 28th.
Somehow I haven’t filled you in on all the drama surrounding Joe Simpson, father of Jessica Simpson and Ashlee Simpson. He’s getting a divorce from his wife Tina after 34 years of marriage, and the couple claims there are no other parties involved. Then came the rumors that Joe has been dating 21-year-old aspiring model Bryce Chandler Hill for the past year. Allegedly, Tina found photos of the aspiring model amongst Joe’s things – something she found odd (as would I). She asked their business manager for a list of Joe’s transactions over the past year and allegedly discovered that he had purchased quite a few pricey gifts for his good “friend” out of their joint account. She confronted Joe and he allegedly came clean – and then told the family that he’s gay. As if that wasn’t enough, out of the woodwork pops Joey Anderson, a 32-year-old NYC-based gay male escort. He claims to have had a “3 hour romp” with Joe Simpson at a NYC hotel last May, during which time they “rolled around, kissed and gave each other oral.” Oral what? An oral exam? An oral thermometer? Oral Roberts trivia questions? Anderson says that Joe “seemed to have an insatiable appetite for sex and never really appeared tired.” Let me point out that men of a certain age who maintain the illusion of lengthy arousal are usually on medication. Joey says he’s received text messages from Joe wanting to set up another date, but so far they haven’t been able to make it happen. Something tells me that ship has sailed.
Years ago, a powerful porn mucky-muck gave someone a suggestion – take tons of photos of yourself in various outfits and settings. Lock them away. And then every decade or so, dole them out judiciously as new photos. In this way, you’ll never age. No, this is not “The Billy Masters Story”. The advice was given to Jeff Stryker. Given the porn legend’s reclusiveness, it was a strategy that might have worked. Instead, he followed his own path and occasionally resurfaces – like Haley’s Comet. So, I am pleased to announce that a rare chance to see Stryker in the flesh is once again upon us. This time, it’s at The Boardwalk, Fort Lauderdale’s premiere venue for male “entertainment”. Stryker will be performing November 21 through 24 – giving South Florida something to truly be thankful for. It should be noted that The Boardwalk does allow you to get up close and personal with the talent. For those of you who REALLY want some quality time, there are 25 VIP tickets available each night. You can check out BoardwalkBar.com for more details.
Our “Ask Billy” question comes from Johnny in Boca Raton: “Have you watched Logo’s ‘DTLA’? I hear there’s an unedited version with nudity. Have you seen it?”
I have seen “DTLA” (which stands for Downtown Los Angeles – an area that precious few gay people actually live in). Alas, I can’t compare the version that aired with the unedited version. Why? Because, believe it or not, I don’t even get Logo. So, I had to rely on the kindness of people who leaked the first four episodes to moi. Did you get to see the penis of Jeremy Jackson (formerly of “Baywatch”) on Logo? Probably not. But I’m sure you enjoyed seeing “Real World” alum Danny Roberts playing a masseur who isn’t a hooker. No? Did ya miss that? Well, I guess I’ll have to post some clips on BillyMasters.com – the site that is never censored.
When Joe Simpson is looking into some of those VIP Jeff Stryker tickets, we’ve definitely come to the end of another column. And I’ve found a clever way to make Neil Patrick Harris check out www.BillyMasters.com. Why? When he came out, NPH revealed that seeing Danny Roberts on “The Real World” was the first time he felt empowered by a gay man. You know what empowers me? Hearing from my fans. If you have a question, drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com“>Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before the world comes to an end (so you better hurry). Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.