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need wood bannerHey, Woody!

I’m curious about something.  How long does sex last?  My current boyfriend is a minuteman, but my last one took forever.  I’m not sure which is worse.  How long does the average sexual encounter last?

Hungry for more…time

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Hey, Woody!

I’m curious about something.  How long does sex last?  My current boyfriend is a minuteman, but my last one took forever.  I’m not sure which is worse.  How long does the average sexual encounter last?

Hungry for more…time

Dear Hungry:

Your letter reminds me of a Halloween party I went to a few years back.  I went in jeans.  The host, confused, reminded me that it was a costume party. I said, “I am in costume.  It’s my premature ejaculation costume.”  He still couldn’t figure it out.  “Don’t you get it?” I said.  “I came in my pants.”

 Anyway, where was I?  Oh, yes.  There isn’t much scientific evidence on the average length of intercourse. Plenty on width; but not length. Studies based on memory are notoriously unreliable (if you think men lie about how big they are, you should see how they lie about how long they last). Still, there is agreement among sex researchers about a general range: And it ain’t pretty. Kinsey’s survey found that 75% of men lasted less than five minutes. Shere Hite found that 62% of men lasted less than 5 minutes, and Masters & Johnson’s studies showed about the same length of time.

 Of course, their studies were confined to hetero men, but there’s no reason to think “homo joes” would last any longer.  Face it; most of us are “two pump chumps.”

Hey, woody!

Will you go out with me?  You make me laugh every time I read your column. 

 —  A fan

 Dear Fan:

I’ve seen your pictures.  No.

Hey, woody!

I’m  tired of being so skinny that I have to jump around in the shower to get wet.  I want to bulk up.  My boyfriend says the best way to do that is to have sex with him as much as possible because sex releases testosterone, which helps gain muscle mass.  Is that true?

—  Not that I mind

 Dear Not Mind:

What a sneaky, manipulative power bottom your boyfriend is.  God, if only we could clone him. 

 Keep “doing”  him, but don’t think for a minute you’re going to bulk up because of it.  First, sex burns calories.  Second, testosterone is NOT released by sex.  It’s the other way around—testosterone is a major component in creating sexual desire.

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