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NeedWoodI’m an Italian guy living in a big city.  I’ve been involved with a younger guy for a year and our relationship has gone to a level I’ve never experienced before. I’ve always been the one to top him, sexually, but now that I’ve completely fallen in love…

NeedWoodHey Woody,

I’m an Italian guy living in a big city.  I’ve been involved with a younger guy for a year and our relationship has gone to a level I’ve never experienced before. I’ve always been the one to top him, sexually, but now that I’ve completely fallen in love with him I want to feel him inside me. Unfortunately, my boyfriend is a total bottom. When I “do” him he gets raging erections; when he tries to “do” me he gets raging hard-offs. He can’t get it up and he’s told me that he’s just a bottom and there’s no sense in trying to get him to be otherwise.

I’m convinced that this whole top/bottom thing is just a state of mind, a psychological orientation, more than some chronic physical wiring. I think our sex life would be more complete and satisfactory if there was some reciprocity, some versatility in it. Do you think roles in bed can be reversed? How can I make my boyfriend top me?  Your kind advice would be appreciated.

 — Switch-hitting hopeful
 
 
Dear Switch-hitting:

“Kind” advice? You wrote Woody for “kind” advice? That’s like writing the Tea Party for a reasonable compromise. Good luck.

Of course it’s possible to reverse sexual roles. You just have to ask nicely. My last relationship was getting a little stale so one night I asked my boyfriend if he minded swapping positions for the night. “That’s a good idea,” he said. “You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!” That jerk! And then he wonders why we broke up. Anyway, yes, it’s possible to get your boyfriend to “dyke.” Meaning, getting a bottom to pass as a top. As in, “did you get him to dyke you?”

Here’s how: Talk to him (but never in bed. Bed is the WORST place to talk about sex; too much pressure. Always talk when you have your clothes on outside the bedroom. That way shame and defensiveness is minimized). Here’s what you say:  “Honey, I want to get closer to you. I want you to feel what I feel when I make love to you. And I want to feel what you feel when I make to love you. I want to take our love to a higher level.”

And then present him with a tiny gift-wrapped box. He’ll open it and find a blue sapphire in it. You know, the kind Pfizer makes. Viagra, the quicker pecker upper, is a wonderful way to take the pressure off him and put his d*&k inside you. Make sure the box has TWO little blue pills: One for you; one for him. Why? By taking it together, you’re re-framing it as an adventure that you’ll share rather than a demand that he perform. This way you can share the experience together, make it playful and take the pressure out of it. 

The normal dosage for Viagra is 50 mg, but ask your doctor for a prescription of 100 mg pills. It’s the same cost per pill but you can cut them in half and save money. Whether it’s in your wallet or in your bedroom, always try to get more bang for the buck.

As always, make sure that neither of you has a heart condition or blood pressure issues. Once he gets used to topping you (and liking it) you can wean him off the pills. You also might want to give Levitra a try.  It’s Viagra’s new competitor.  Of course, Viagra’s not going to just roll over and, well, you know, take it up the a$$.  So they’re scrambling for a competitive edge. I suggested a brilliant new strategy to their marketing boys: sell Viagra in liquid-form and mix it with soda. The new name? 

“Mount and Do.”

No word yet on my royalty checks.

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