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NeedWoodI can’t open my email without being inundated with offers to make my d&^k as big as a rhino.   Here’s what I don’t understand—who in their right mind would click on these links and order penis enlargement pills or herbs?

NeedWoodThere’s a Sucker Born Every Minute

Hey Woody,

I can’t open my email without being inundated with offers to make my d&^k as big as a rhino.   Here’s what I don’t understand—who in their right mind would click on these links and order penis enlargement pills or herbs?  It’s so obviously a fraud I figured the spam would decrease over time as the “male enhancement” industry realized that nobody was stupid enough to actually order their crap.  Am I wrong?

 – – Need a new spam filter

Dear New:

Not only are you wrong, you’re wrong squared.  Wrong to infinity, actually.

Listen, you can never go broke over-estimating male stupidity.  According to Wired News, a security flaw at a website selling penis enlargement pills revealed just how many people were buying their dong dung.  An order log at one of these websites was left exposed and showed that over a month’s time 6,000 people responded to their spam and on average, ordered two bottles of pills at $50 a pop.

If men were any more stupid they’d have to be watered twice a week. You’d think only the uneducated would believe that you can take a pill or an herb and go from bi-ped to tripod, but you’d be wrong. Get a load of some of the people revealed as customers by the exposed weblog:  A manager of a mutual fund with a Park Avenue office, the president of an airplane parts company (he put $300 of the rot on his American Express card) and the head of a credit firm.

Joe Miksch, a columnist for the Fairfield County Weekly, published an account of what happened when he bought the company’s product (I refuse to name it on the grounds that my readers are constantly banging the stupid meter to the right and I refuse to aid and abet them).  Anyway, his account of taking the pills that promised “3 FULL INCHES IN LENGTH” went something like this:  “Day One:  No change.  Day two:  No Change.  Day Three:  No change.  Days four through 30: See above.”

So, no, don’t expect the spammers to stop anytime soon.  As long as idiot men are around, there will always be someone to separate them from their wallets.

 

Hey, woody!

How is Levitra different than Viagra?  Do you recommend one over the other?

 – – Swelling with joy

Dear Swelling:

I recommend a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal.  My favorite:  The Mercedes-Benz SLK 250 Roadster.

But I digress.  Levitra works the same way as Viagra – by increasing blood flow into the penis.  The main differences are timing and absorption. Viagra takes 45 to 90 minutes before you get an erection (if you want an instant erection just do what I do – have your partner say he’s emotionally unavailable). Levitra takes 30 to 60 minutes.

Levitra doesn’t seem to be affected by food, either, which is a big problem with Viagra. If you take Viagra with food, particularly high-fat meals (beware Atkins fans), it delays the onset and strength of your erection. 

Officials believe that Erectile Dysfunction affects more than 50% of men over the age of 40.  We’re talking 30 million men with floppy burritos.

Sadly, statistics show that only about 10% of these men seek help. That means 90% of men out there still aren’t getting treated for impotence. The other good news is that Levitra might work for people who had no luck with Viagra.

So which one do I recommend you take?  Neither.  I may have a great bedside manner but I don’t make medical recommendations. Talk to your medical doctor and ask him.  

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