Hey Woody!

About the black condom story where the white guy freaked out when his African-American trick put it on him?  I have a question: How’d the black guy get the white guy to f–k him?  Most white guys I take home, even the tops, only want to get f–ked.

As an African-American who loves white guys, I’m only too happy to oblige.  I’m tall, muscular and black.  And yes, rounding out the stereotype, I have a big d–k. 

But I like to get f–ked, too.   I wanna know who passed a law saying the black guy always has to be the f–ker, and the white guy the f–ked?  Cause I’ll tell you now, I didn’t vote that day.

Help me, woody.  How do I get even the butchest, biggest, badass white boys to pump my beautiful black behind?

—  Needing white d–k in my butt

Dear Needing:

Why does everyone who has a big d–k insist on working it in to their letter?   It’s a joke.  And speaking of jokes, here’s one for you:  Two lovers stumble upon a genie lamp and rub it.  Out comes the genie in a puff.  “I’ll grant you one wish,” said the grateful genie.  “Legend says we should get three,” says one of the lovers.  “Budget cut,” snapped the genie.   So one of the lovers whispers his wish into the genie’s ear.  “No problem,” the genie nods his head and disappears in a plume of smoke.  “So, what did you wish for?” the lover asks.  “Don’t worry,” he said.  “You’ll find out soon enough.”  So they keep walking down the beach.  Suddenly they see a group of Ku Klux Klan members with hoods coming towards them.  The leader of the Klan walks up and says, “Alright, which one of you wants to be hung like a black man?”

Now, where was I, you show-off?   Oh, yeah.  Why do the heels of the butchest white men fill with helium when you take them home?

Let’s start with body size.  Who’s going to win the girl–Vin Diesel, or the 98-pound weakling?  Exactly.  The weakling.  Because Diesel’s in love with The Rock.

Bad example, but you get my point.  Might makes right.  Whether it’s sports between hetero men or sex between gay men, smaller guys are far likelier to be submissive to larger guys than the other way around.  Haven’t you ever felt how weird it is to f–k somebody who’s bigger than you?

Now the race thing.  There’s a false but widespread perception among whites that blacks are intellectually inferior but physically superior to them.  That’s why blacks may be “working for the man” during the day, but f–king him at night.

Plus, breaking social taboos can lift the heaviest white ankles to the ceiling.  And what breaks a taboo more than letting your supposedly social and intellectual inferiors f–k you up the ass?

I say your size has more to do with your hole going unplugged than your black skin.  Trust me, short black guys don’t complain about always being the top when they go home with tall white guys.

So how do you get around it?  Radiate more passive energy.  You can’t be a big, tall aggressive black guy commanding the conversation, buying the drinks, creating the expectation of Mandingo Madness and then be disappointed that your white prey wants you to f–k him.

Instead, you need to play down your size.  Sit on a bar stool when you’re talking or lean against a wall.

Wear clothes that make you look softer, more approachable.  Let the other guy do at least 51% of the talking.  On the dance floor playfully back into him (tastefully, of course.  You’re dropping hints not performing a live sex show).  When you touch or kiss, be extraordinarily gentle.


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