Hey Woody!

I need advice on breaking an awful, AWFUL habit that my partner has:  He doesn’t wash his hands after taking a s–t.  He says it’s useless since he doesn’t touch the brown stuff.  “Why should I?” is what he says when I’ve asked him to keep proper hygiene.  “The paper touches it.”  Yet he only uses a very small amount of paper!  But check this out, Woody, it gets even better.  My lover is a doctor.  Four years of medical school and a residency and he doesn’t wash his hands after taking a dump.  I have a graduate degree in international public health and to me that is basic hygiene, regardless of the public health or medical training.  Please help him break the habit.

–Dirtied Hands

Dear Dirtied:

Where do you people come up with this s–t?  I’m handing out sex advice over here, not toilet training tips.

When I read your email I kept banging on my computer thinking it was acting up again. “Nobody could be that stupid,” agreed my computer repairman.  “There must be something wrong with your internet connection.”

Here’s the note he left along with the bill:  “No, Woody.  Your computer’s okay.  You just have imbeciles for readers.”

Thanks for setting me back $75.

It goes without saying that Herr Doktor is wrong.  Fecal matter is *easily* absorbed through toilet paper.  I’d like the AMA to find out if he’s washing his hands after he takes a dump in the middle of a workday.  He could literally be passing intestinal parasites or hepatitis viruses from patient to patient and endangering people’s lives.

Assuming he’s following protocol at work, then the question gets uglier:  Why does he think his patients are worth protecting but you’re not?

By disregarding something he knows is factually correct and might endanger your health, he’s asserting his dominance over you.  Translation:  He’s saying “F–k You.”

It’s a given that doctors don’t like being told what to do.  Well, unless you tell them to pad the bill; then they’ll do whatever you say.  But his refusal to do something as basic as washing his hands after taking a dump is so over the top it’s a clear sign that there’s underlying issues of control and power between you two.

How to get him to stop?  When he’s in a calm mood, squat down and ask him what’s going on between you two.  This isn’t about wiping himself; it’s about swiping at you.  Try to get at the real issue.  Truthfully, I don’t think you can without professional help.  Get it, or you may have to flush that man right out of your life.

Hey Woody!

I have a personal policy of not getting tested for HIV because that way I don’t have to get stuck in sticky moral dilemmas that might end me up with empty hands.  I don’t want to lose a hottie because I disclose and he doesn’t like the answer.  If I don’t know then I don’t have to disclose and I get to f–k without a condom guilt-free.  Agree?

—  Found the Answer

Dear Found:

Let me ask you something.  Do you really want to transmit a disease you may not know you have to somebody you care about?  Willfully “not knowing” is a convenient way to escape your moral obligation.  Even if you don’t have the intent to commit harm, you’re still negligent.  And negligence is a violation of the most basic moral principle in society:  Do No Harm.

Technically called the “principle of nonmaleficence,” the Do No Harm credo applies to everyone, although exemptions exist –for editors, literary agents, record producers and the like.  “Nonmaleficense” binds members of a community to each other by agreeing not to bring harm on each other, either through acts of commission or omission.

Do you really want to live in a world where people don’t care about each other?  I don’t.


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