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Hey Woody!

I thought I had the perfect adulterous relationship but now I’m having an affair on my affair.  I did the right thing and told my old affair but he didn’t take it too well.  He threatened to tell my husband everything unless I dropped my new affair and continued with him.  How do I handle this, Woody?  He gave me his solemn word that he’d never tell a soul about us no matter what.  How do I get him to keep his integrity on and his mouth shut?

—  Trying to keep it together

Dear Trying:

I showed this letter to my editor, suspecting it was a fake but he assured me, “No, Woody, your readers really are that stupid.”

I just want to make sure I’ve got this right.  You’re complaining that your “perfect adulterous relationship” went sour?  That even infidelity tastes stale to you?

You’re cheating on the guy you’re cheating on your husband with and you think my advice is going to be something other than to hold still while I throttle you?

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with men in relationships having outside sex as long as they have an agreement with their spouse.  I understand the restorative power of new meat, but not at the expense of dishonoring your relationship.

You don’t need advice on your affairs; you need advice on your husband.  And here it is:  Do something novel, like telling the truth.  Tell him everything that’s going on.  If you can work out an agreement on outside play, fine, Romeo, have at it.  If you can’t, then stop lying and break up.   Life’s too short to live with such little integrity.  Of course that assumes you have any.  I’m not saying you’re the biggest cheat that’s ever written me; I’m saying if I ever kissed you I’d count my teeth before letting you out the door.

Hey Woody!

Somebody told me you had a kick-ass column on condoms a while back but I never saw it.  Would you repeat it for those of us that missed it?

—  A Day Late

Dear Late:

I don’t repeat anything except my dinner.  Well, okay, some of my partners, too.  But I will give you the shortened version:

  • Guns offer the best protection against sexually transmitted diseases.  Just point it at your partner if he tries to mount you without a condom.  If you’re scared of guns, try latex condoms.  Don’t use natural-membrane condoms like lambskin; they’re too porous to do a good job of stopping STDs.
  • Don’t use a condom that’s more than five years old.  That’s about the shelf life of a   properly stored condom.  Properly stored means they’re not exposed to extreme heat, cold or vulgar people who cheat on the people they’re cheating on.  If the condoms are coated with a spermicide throw them away after three years.
  • Never use Vaseline or other oil-based lubricants like petroleum jellies, mineral oils, vegetable oils or cold creams.  They’ll damage the condoms.  Water or silicone-based lubricants are best.
  • Don’t carry condoms in your pocket.  Unless they’re the extra large kind.  Yes, you’ll damage the condoms but at least you’ll be showing off and isn’t that what it’s all about?
  • Do not tear the package in half down the middle.  That may be fine with ex-boyfriends who screwed you over, but not with condoms.  Tear off just the top of the foil.
  • Place the condom on the head of the penis and roll it gently down the shaft.  Do not pull down tightly against the tip of the penis. Leave a “reservoir,” as the experts like to call it, for semen.  Don’t you love the word “reservoir?”  It gives the impression that you’re going to c-m enough to fill the Hoover Dam when all that’ll come out of you is about two teaspoons.

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