Hey, Woody!

I had a horrible experience with a drug overdose at a party, complete with a near-death experience at an E.R.

I don’t ever want to do drugs again but I sense I’m going to lose my friends if I announce that I’m off drugs forever, so I just tell them I’m taking a break.

As it is I notice they’re starting to avoid me.  We’ll be in the same house and I’ll notice a cluster of them going to a different room to snort without me.  I’m feeling excluded.  I don’t want to lose my friends but I don’t want to start taking drugs again either. 

Do you think I’m doomed to making a choice between my friends and drugs?  Can you be part of the party without partying?

– –  Done but not out

Dear Done:

If you end up in the ER from an overdose I can only make one neon-blinking recommendation about your future drug use:  *“Game Over.  Thanks for playing.”*

I predict you’ll lose most of your partying friends. You’re either going to feel pressured to do something you don’t want to do or they’re going to feel guilty about doing what they do want to do.

Their calls will remind you of everyone’s last boyfriend.  They’ll cut you off slowly until one day you won’t get any at all.

Friendships suffer when the activity they’re based around disappears.  Look, I love my tennis buddies but once I got hurt and couldn’t play anymore our friendships trailed off.

I love my parents, but once the activity that bound us together ended (my siphoning off their life savings) they didn’t want me around.

Wake up and smell –but don’t snort—the crystal meth.  It’s over.  Find new friends that don’t do drugs.  I hear there’s some in Alaska.

Hey, Woody!

All my life I’ve been ugly and fat.  I’ve lost 50 pounds, been going to the gym six days a week, got a new ‘do and better clothes.  I’m ready for action. Woody, I don’t just want to have some sex; I want to make up for all the time I lost.  I want to be a “player.”  How do I date the most amount of guys in the least amount of time?

—  Wanna get in the game

Dear Wanna:

My friend “Derek” is doing his graduate studies at the “Greet ‘em, Meat ‘em and Street ‘em” School of Seduction.  Here’s what he says:

Go up to your prey and say, “Hi.  I’d really appreciate you helping me meet someone.”  Of course the guy’s ego gets deflated.  But then he perks up after he realizes the guy you’re describing is him.

So now you’re talking to him.  Buy him a drink.  After a while ask him for his phone number.  Always carry a pen on you so you don’t make a big deal of hunting one down and letting the whole bar know you’re hoping to score like an armed bulimic at a Dunkin’ Donuts.

After you get the phone number, then, then…okay, I know I’m going to get major shit for saying this, but remember it’s Derek saying this, not me.  Then, after you get his phone number, LEAVE WITHOUT ASKING HIM OUT.  Walk to another part of the bar or just leave the bar completely.

Why?  Because then you’re a challenge.  And nothing creates desire more than a challenge.

If you elect to remain in the bar and you see another guy you want to meet then ask him for his phone number but DON’T write it down—memorize it.  You don’t want Prey #1 to see it and ruin your chances with him.

Don’t call for a couple of days.  Drives them nuts.  It’ll cause their interest to swell like the jeans in every character of HBO’s new show, “Looking.” Now go, play, player.