Hey, Woody!

I’ve heard that p-rn stars take a supplement called lecithin to increase semen volume.   Does it really work? If not, is there anything else that will do the trick?  I want to leave puddles on my partner’s chests, not drops.

—  Shooting for the sky

Dear Shooting:

You could c-m vats too if you’d just ejaculate in the same place porn stars do.  It’s a magical space, dark and moody, where anything can happen.

It’s called the editing room.

The magic of editing allows piecing several ejaculations into a continuous stream of splits and splats.  Other times, multiple angles are used to capture a single c-m shot.

That’s why orgasm, which takes about three to five seconds in real life can take more than 20 seconds in videos.

And as far as lecithin goes, forget it.  Lecithin spelled backwards is “B-u-l-l-s-h-*-t.” There are some things that will help–doing kegels, certain stroking motions and getting turned on more. For a detailed program check out my latest book, How To Ejaculate More & Shoot Further. (

While it’s true that keeping your hands out of your pants for a few days will give you more volume when you finally c-m, it’s NOT true that you’ll get even more volume if you refrain from masturbating for weeks or months.

Sex researchers found that “semen reservoirs” don’t continue to build up after a few days of abstention. Don’t you love the visual of a “semen reservoir?”  Like you could just dive in to a lake.


Hey, Woody!

My boyfriend is constantly complaining about the hair along the shaft of my penis.  I tried shaving but my d–k ended up looking like it went on a date with “Carrie” — blood everywhere.  Is there any way to permanently get rid of d–k hair?  

—  Hairy D–k

Dear Hairy:

You can try a certified electrologist, but dear Lord, do you really want an electric current going into your d–k?

Electrologists apply a tiny, electrified needle to the hair follicles along the shaft.  Don’t listen to their “this-won’t-hurt-a-bit” advertising s–t.  You’re going to scream like a banshee.

If you’re going to do it make sure you get a prescription for a cream called EMLA, which is often used when removing genital warts.  It’ll help.  But you have to get that from your doctor, not the electrologist.

Call the International Guild of Professional Electrologists at 1-800-830-3247. They’ll give you specialists in removing hair from genital regions.

Another option might be an electric razor.   Spinning heads are bound to be gentler than sharp blades.


Hey, Woody!

I like to get f–ked but my boyfriend gets turned off because I fart so much (during the day, not during sex).  And when I say fart, Woody, I mean like wilt the flowers fart.  I’m working on my stomach problems but in the meantime, what can I do about the smell?  

—  Don’t stop and smell the roses

Dear Don’t:

There’s a bunch of products out there to absorb fart odors.  Almost all use carbon air filters.  There’s the Flatulence Filter cushion, a super-activated carbon/foam filter concealed in a simple normal-looking chair cushion.  (

Or try inserting the Flatulence Filter Pad in your underwear.  Now *there’s* an idea who’s time has come.  And gone.

Your best bet is probably the “Toot Trapper.”  It’s also a cushion but it relies on the same activated-carbon technology the military uses in its gas masks.

As the president of the company said about the one-inch-thick, gray tweed upholstered seat cushion, “It’s meant to help people overcome the social ramifications of a high-fiber diet or of intestinal disorders such as Crohn’s disease by filtering the offensive gases before they even leave your chair.”

Pretty articulate for a guy who makes a living trapping farts, don’t you think?

Call 1-800-316-8668 to order it.  But Jesus, if something comes out of you smelling so bad you need a military filtration system you’re probably going to die in three days anyway.