Hey Woody!

HotSpots is a respectable magazine.  YOUR section of the magazine, however, seems to drag the whole publication down to the gutter.  There are plenty of guys who do not have these bizarre, deranged sexual “problems.”  My boyfriend and I are the perfect example of this.

Also, if you were this hot sexual pirate you claim to be, you would probably publish your own picture next to your articles. 

—  Sick of you

Dear Sick:

Gosh, if we could all just have what you have–a problem-free, hat-in-the-air Doris Day marriage– this world would be a better place.

What s–t.

You have the “perfect example” of a problem-free relationship?  My bet is that you stalked your boyfriend, he panicked, gave in, and now he’s chained somewhere in the basement.  That’s what guys like you usually mean by having the “perfect” relationship.

Second, I never said I was hot.  I am beyond heat.  That’s why I don’t publish my picture with the column.  It would vaporize the paper.

And if you haven’t figured it out, pinhead, my picture isn’t the only thing about me that’s not in the column.  Neither is my name.

If you think using a pseudonym is a sham, then go bug JK Rowling about it.  She uses one in some of her books.

Hey Woody!

I have a friend that swears he had gonorrhea and didn’t know it.  He’s full of s–t, don’t you think?  How do you not notice the excruciating pain when you try to pee?

—  Is it just me?

Dear Is:

How do you not notice the penile inflammation, the burning while peeing, the yellowish discharges staining your underwear?  Easy.  When you have a perfect relationship like the pinhead that just wrote, anything’s possible.

According to a new survey published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, as many as 5 percent of the population may have gonorrhea and not know it. That’s why it’s important to get regular STD check-ups if you’re sexually active with multiple partners.

Gonorrhea is easily treated with antibiotics.  It’s important to take all of the medication even if the symptoms stop before all the medication is gone. Gonorrhea can cause permanent damage if you don’t get rid of all of it.

Hey Woody!

I am a bottom and love it.  I always want to make sure that my body is clean on the inside and out before that special man tops me.  I recently installed a hose in my shower to ensure there would be no messy debris when my partner pulls out.  Are there any medical dangers or side effects from cleaning yourself out with water on a regular basis? 

—  Squeaky Clean

Dear Squeaky:

SoapNo medical harm will come to you from your irrigation project.  The problem with douching the anal canal on a regular basis is that sometimes people start doing it regularly just to have a bowel movement.  That’s okay, too, but it can be quite addicting and eventually you might find that you can’t poop without it.

That’s why I gave up reading the National Enquirer on the toilet.  It got to the point where I couldn’t go unless I read about Hilary Clinton’s secret penis.

Read Woody’s latest book, Gay Texting: How To Text Your Way To A Date Or A Hookup.  LINK: