Hey, Woody!

Tell me it ain’t so!  I just brought the Mitchell Rock’s “realistic” life-size replica of his — ahem — “manhood” through a mail order company.  When it arrived via my humpy UPS guy (another fantasy, another letter), I tore open the box and …OH MY GAWD!  That simply cannot exist in nature!  Please tell me that they added to the girth of the, ahem, subject under discussion.  Yes, I know he’s over six feet tall and that the length of the “article” is right a 9” but Lordy it is thick….waaaaaayyyy thick.  Can you check your sources and find out if that is how thick he really is?  If he IS that thick then I have a whole new respect for the bottoms in his videos.

—   Gave it my best and still walkin’ funny

Dear Gave:

Oh, please.  Like I’m going to waste my time making sure the dildo you want to stick up your a– is truly “life-sized,” you flaming size queen.

I can’t even believe you used the word “respect” to describe someone’s d–k.  Someone’s born with a small animal between their legs and you “respect” them for it?  People deserve respect for their character, their accomplishments, not their genetic make-up.

Maybe I’m drinking too much coffee or maybe I’m getting too many letters from men feeling worthless because they don’t have big d–ks, but whatever the case I’m not going to be a party to celebrating size.

If you’re going to ask me about life-sized dildos then at least ask me something interesting.

Like the question below.

Hey, Woody!

I’m obsessed with getting f–ked by my boyfriend.  He travels a lot, sometimes weeks at a time.  Can you spell F-R-U-S-T-R-A-T-I-O-N?

 I want to get a dildo in the shape of my boyfriend’s d–k so I can f–k myself with it when he’s out of town.  It would add a new dimension to our phone sex, don’t you think?

 So where, Woody, where does one go to get their boyfriend’s d–k cast for a dildo?

—   Can’t get enough

Dear Can’t:

Try some of the do-it-yourself kits out in the market.

Typically, you get hard and slip your stick into an “alginate” mix (it’s a thickener that molds around your c–k).

The trick is keeping yourself hard for about five minutes.  That’s harder than it sounds, pun intended.  Sticking your d–k into a mold of quick drying cement sounds about as exciting as sticking it in a vagina.

There’s no danger of sticking it in a gelling agent (I can’t vouch for the vagina) but trust me, you better do a lap dance in front of your boyfriend if you want to keep him hard.

Once the “alginate” hardens, carefully remove it from your boyfriend’s d–k, pour silicone into the “cast” and let it, ahem, *stiffen* for about 24 hours.

And there you have it, the very latest in sexual convenience:  D–k to Go.

Some companies sell wax molds with a wick, so you can make candles.  In addition to being truthful when you tell friends you lit your boyfriend’s d–k on fire, putting out the flame adds a whole new meaning to the phrase “bl-wj-b.”

Get extra alginate because most guys can’t do it right the first time. For more information contact