“I want Allison Williams as a boy to take my gay virginity.” – Zach Braff chimes in with his positive comments about the latest Peter Pan. Clap if you believe in fairies.
The column for this same week in 2013 opened with me talking about “The Sound of Music” starring that thespian, Carrie Underwood. And here we are in 2014, opening the column talking about yet another live musical on television. What do we have to say about “Peter Pan”? Alas, none of the Darling children plummeted to their deaths on live TV. When Christopher Walken was awake, he was quite entertaining. But more often than not, it appeared as if he was starring in “Weekend at Bernie’s – The Musical”. He seemed to go for his climactic notes by opening his mouth, but strangely nothing came out. It was all a bit too Marcel Marceau.
For those of you who wondered why NBC kept the convention of a girl playing the part, I suppose I can now tell you that the role was originally offered to little Daniel Radcliffe. He was intrigued by the possibility, but ultimately decided it would be a step backwards in his quest to be taken seriously as an adult actor.
It was recently reported that a rookie firefighter with the FDNY has a past doing gay p-rn – which seems to be a prerequisite of any member of the NY fire department by the look of them. Jonathan Jesensky is a former Marine who served in Iraq, and then worked as an EMT for the past two years. Sounds like someone I’d want protecting me with a long hose. Days after he officially became an FDNY rookie (after being valedictorian of his class), it was revealed that he did about a dozen gay and bisexual p-rn flicks under the name Jonathan West (we hear he’s gay-for-pay). His body of work includes such classics as “Paramedics” and “Semper Bi” (once again, art imitating life, imitating p-rn). What’s interesting about this story is that when the media contacted his superiors, they said he had already told them when he was hired two years ago. “The legal department is aware of his work history,” said an FDNY spokesperson. The press tracked down several of Jonathan’s new colleagues – some who have met him and some who haven’t. It seems that the people questioned said they didn’t care what he did in the past, so long as he was good at his job. Once again, firemen are setting a good example for everyone.
Time for some last-minute Billy’s Holiday Gift Giving Suggestions. Our first item is something that will not only make your spirits bright, but will also raise money for a great cause. Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS has a limited edition Liza Minnelli holiday ornament. Liza, who is recovering from back surgery, said, “I’m simply delighted and so honored to be immortalized with such a wonderfully crafted ornament. I’m especially proud to help support Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS, an organization that has been very dear to my heart for more than two decades.” Previous legends in the ornament series are Julie Andrews, Carol Channing, Angela Lansbury, Bernadette Peters, Chita Rivera and Gwen Verdon. Liza’s six-inch glass likeness features her in a red sequin outfit and hat – circa “The Act” 1977. To order the ornament, head on over to BroadwayCares.org.
I firmly believe that a thoughtfully selected calendar is a perfect gift. This year, we’ve got some great options for you. First up is the Warwick Rowing Club. The lads started getting their kits off to raise money for new equipment in 2009. Since then, like the “Calendar Girls” before them, they’ve branched out into other directions – and raised close to half a million dollars! This year, the sexy students are raising money to fight homophobia in sports. They’ll also help you break a sweat! Check out their wares at WarwickRowers.org.
Finally, a bit of troublesome news. I would like you to brace yourselves because one doesn’t deliver news like this every day. Susan Boyle – you know, the chick with Asperger’s and a mustache – has her first boyfriend at 53 years old! That cagey minx said, “It’s very early days so we’ll see what happens. I hope he visits.” Visits? Is he in some sort of a facility where he needs to get a weekend pass? Or perhaps it’s the other way around. Susan added, “I don’t want to say any more about who he is right now as that would be unfair on him. All I’ll say is we are around the same age and he was a very nice guy.” With that description, I kinda think she’s describing someone she met on a bus! But, good on you, Susie.
When Susan Boyle has someone stuffing her stockings and I don’t, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. When the New Year dawns, so will the new version of www.BillyMasters.com – the site that’s always evolving. And since I’ve been busy with gift giving ideas, I haven’t had room to answer any of your questions in print. But I’m always here for you. Feel free to send your queries into Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Susan Boyle gets cast in the UK version of “Peter Pan – Live” as Nana! So, until next time, remember one man’s filth is another man’s bible.