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Hey Woody!

My new boyfriend has an odd problem that’s driving me nuts.  He can’t c-m when I’m in bed with him.  Never mind that I give Category 5 bl-wj-bs; never mind that we screw each other so hard our bed calls the police anytime we come near it.  Doesn’t matter—he can’t c-m.  But if he’s alone?  Bam!  Like a geyser. Woody, how can I get him to orgasm with me?

—  Not coming and going

Dear Not Coming:

Your boyfriend has something called “ejaculatory incompetence.”  What an awful, cruel term, huh?  I can’t believe I didn’t come up with it first.

Basically, it’s an inability to orgasm in the presence of another person.  The National Institute of Health reports that 1-4% of men suffer from it.  It’s sort of like being “pee shy” (millions of men can’t pee in public urinals if there are other men around.  They can do other things, though.  Ask George Michael).

How to solve it?  First, get your boyfriend to take lots of pictures and videos of you.  Yes, naked.  Yes, masturbating.  Yes, f–king.

God, I love the word “Yes.”

He’s going to masturbate to those pictures and videos in a very particular order:

1.  By looking at one or two pictures of you.

2.  By looking at a lot of pictures of you.

3.  By covering the bed with your pictures and lying on top of them.

4.  By playing a video of you (naked, j-rking off but with you NOT looking at the camera)

5.  By playing a video of you naked, j-rking off and looking straight at the camera

He is not to advance to the next step until he orgasms.  Basically, the point is to “graduate” from the least threatening scenarios to the most.  When he can orgasm at Step #5 he can try ejaculating with you (he might ask you to close your eyes the first few times).  It’s crucial that you make yourself scarce when he goes through the steps.

If the de-sensitization doesn’t work, he probably has some deep-rooted issues that need to be healed with the help of a kind, caring therapist.

Meaning, not me.

Hey Woody!

I would so much rather give head than f–k or get head than get f–ked.  Do you think I’m weird?

—  The mouth that roared

Dear Mouth:

One of the reasons many men, straight or gay, prefer oral sex is that we’re visual creatures.  Whether you’re f–king an ass or a va…va…vagi, Christ, I’m so gay I can’t even say the word.

Anyway, you can see more d–k with bl-wj-bs.   With anal sex you can’t see s–t.

Well, actually…

Alright, bad metaphors aside, with blowjobs you can see all of your d–k (or his) go in and out.  You can also see more of your partner’s body.

Even if there wasn’t an “explanation” for your preferences, why feel weird about them?  There’s very little choice in sex.  You don’t get to choose which gender you like; you don’t get to choose which member of the gender you like; and you don’t get to choose what you like to do with the member of that gender.  I say quit trying to justify your preferences and get busy doing them.

Strap a rocket to the back of your love life with Woody’s best-selling gay sex guide, How To Bottom Like A P-rn Star.  LINK:  http://grabhim.net/gay-anal-sex-how-to-bottom-without-pain-or-stains/