Got a weird problem (are there any other kind you print?). My boyfriend and I of a year are seriously into kink. I’m talking whips, chains, toys, costumes, harnesses, role-play, bondage, discipline, you name it we’ve done it. We are the original “been there done that” couple. The problem? We’re bored. We’ve basically done all there is to do and the truth is we’re enjoying sex less and less. We never have sex without a prop or a toy. My boyfriend, though he likes the kinky stuff, feels he’s disappeared in the bedroom, replaced by all the accoutrement. We both agree that the kinky stuff has gotten out of hand and that our sex life is suffering from it, but neither of us is willing to give it up. We’re caught in a vicious cycle. Help!
— Bound & Gagged
My God, in less than a year you’ve gone from 0 to 60 and forgot about 1 through 59. You’re acting as if your bed was a Ferrari in the last lap of the Grand Prix. I say it’s time to trade it in for a horse-drawn carriage. It’s one thing to do kink. It’s another when it starts doing you. Kink is supposed to spice up your sex life, not replace it. Do too much of it and you might end up as teammates in a sport rather than lovers in the sack. What starts out as fun can quickly become a barrier, where you’re touching and looking at everything but each other. You need to re-connect without props. Here’s how to do it:
Sink the Kink
Box up your entire perv collection in a box and stick in the basement. Better yet, mail it to me. I’ll take good care of it. Purr, purr. You can open the box up in a couple of months after we succeed in putting a little emotional content into your sex life.
Basically, you guys climbed the top of the kink tree, fell, and hit every d-ldo on the way down. Time to dust yourself off and get back to basics. Try “ritualizing” sex in the way people use rituals for something sacred. They’re little celebrations of closeness that are more sensual than sexual. These can be done just before making love or done separately from sex. The idea is to “harmonize” yourselves as a couple and create deeper physical bonds. Here are a couple of exercises that will help:
Sit across from each other, naked, with the tips of your fingers gently touching. Then stare into each other’s eyes without saying a word for at least five minutes. Staring into each other’s left eye seems to heighten the experience. Sustained eye contact is so powerful that many couples can’t even do it.
In bed, sit naked, facing each other, legs wrapped around each other’s waist. Start by staring into each other’s eyes in silence. Inhale in unison. Breathe at the same tempo, same time, same space. Now change the breathing pattern. You exhale while your boyfriend inhales. After a couple of minutes reverse it.
Now breathe in unison. Then put your right hand on his heart. He does the same. Feel each other’s heartbeat. Close your eyes and experience the tenderness.
And then, of course, f–k each other senseless.