“I’m not playing the race card. I’m playing the rice card.” – Margaret Cho tweets a response to people who felt her Golden Globes appearance was racist. She also said, “I’m of mixed North/South Korean descent – you imprison, starve and brainwash my people you get made fun of by me.”
So, I’m having sex with this incredibly hot guy who is way out of my league (let that be a lesson to you – too many pills and booze and you end up having sex with Billy Masters!). In the middle of the act, I asked, “What’s your name?” Call me old-fashioned, but when parts of my body are entering you repeatedly, I think it’s only polite to know your name. “Kirby,” he answers between gasps and clenched teeth. At this point, I have two simultaneous thoughts: 1) How likely is it that the name Kirby is anywhere on this guy’s birth certificate? And 2) Wasn’t Kirby a character on “Dynasty”? And with that, erection gone, mission not accomplished. We don’t like to rush, but your case has been packed. If we’ve missed anything, you could give us a ring. But we don’t always answer the phone.
While I was in Fort Lauderdale trying to figure out if the guy I was shtupping was related to Kathleen Beller, John Travolta was chatting up a stranger in a Planet Fitness in Ocala, Florida. At 3 a.m., Justin Jones thought he’d work out in an empty gym when a familiar-looking bald man approached him (coincidentally, I met Kirby in a kinda gym). “Hi, I’m John,” said the hairpiece-free Travolta. He then bombarded the guy with a barrage of questions: are you married, do you have kids, what do you do for fun. Jones later told “The Enquirer” (in exchange for payment, I’m sure), “I understood what was happening when it was happening – it was in his body language. It didn’t make me uncomfortable, but I noticed it.”
Last week saw the debut of the long-awaited Whitney Houston biopic. Considering it followed up Lifetime’s previous biopics on Anna Nicole Smith and Brittany Murphy, I can’t say the results were disastrous. On the positive side, we got to enjoy the stellar vocals of Deborah Cox, doing her best Whitney impersonation (and purposely suppressing her trademark soul). The person getting the brunt of the criticism is Angela Bassett, who was making her directorial debut. Most of the barbs came from the Houston family. Matriarch Cissy all but issued a fatwa on Angela, but Whitney’s daughter Bobbi Kristina went further. You see, BK wasn’t pissed the film was made. Oh, no. She was pissed she wasn’t IN it! Believe it or not, Whitney’s only child wanted to be cast as the lead. Hmmm, let’s look at the reasons why she wasn’t. First, I don’t believe she can act. Second, she would be doing love scenes with the guy playing her dad. And third, she looks nothing like Whitney. Perhaps she would have been more successful if she’d gone after the role of Bobby Brown!
Bobbi Kristina went public with her complaints. While the film was in production, she tweeted, “Ha MsAng ‘bassketcase’ has such a damn nerve. My lord, at least the world doesn’t mistake me for the wrong sex.. she has #XtraEequipment.” She then added, “When I win my first Grammy or Oscar, *Shrugs* hmm whichever comes1st, I’ll be sure 2shout URname out b-tch! hah UrTestResults = MALE. Lmao.” I’m not sure where to start dissecting this….the grievances, the grammar, or the grandiosity. It is fascinating that LaPrincia’s sister muses on whether she’ll win a Grammy or an Oscar first while bashing someone who at least has been nominated for an Oscar!
Derek Hough has left “Dancing with the Stars”. He wants to try something really different: “I am ecstatic that I’ll be able to extend my passion for performing to the Great Stage of Radio City Music Hall in New York Spring Spectacular.” Yes, you read correctly – Hough is going to become a Rockette. He’s certainly got the gams for it.
Derek may have left DWTS, but we still have Julianne at the judges’ table. And she had a big announcement of her own. FOX will be joining the TV musical craze with a live performance of “Grease”. And playing Sandy will be Hough (Julianne, not Derek), while Rizzo will be portrayed by Vanessa Hudgens. Since “Grease: Live” isn’t taking place until January 31, 2016, it continues the longstanding FOX tradition of casting the roles of high school students with people a generation older.
This week’s “Ask Billy” question comes from Barry in Atlanta: “I loved the photo of you and the Carver twins – they are so hot on ‘Teen Wolf’. But what is this three-way you mentioned? Is that in a movie? A gay three-way?”
Yes indeed. “I Am Michael” is about Michael Glatze, who worked at “XY” magazine and founded “YGA” and was a gay rights activist. Eventually, he became a proponent of conversion therapy and an outspoken ex-gay. James Franco is playing Glatze while the role of his boyfriend is being played by Zachary Quinto. According to sources who saw the flick at Sundance, Franco meets Charlie Carver in a club and hits on him. When Carver asks about his boyfriend, Franco says, “He’d like you, too.” This leads to a very hot sex scene. How hot? We’re told there’s lots of kissing, skin, and, at the very least, a–es. How do we know for sure? Because a little birdie leaked us a photo from the scene. Check it out on BillyMasters.com.
When Luke Perry could be cast as Danny Zuko in “Grease: Live”, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. Since we ran long, I barely have time to remind you to check out the all new www.BillyMasters.com – the site that can fill any gap. If you’ve got a question for me, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before the Rockettes realize they hired the wrong Hough! So, until next time, remember one man’s filth is another man’s bible.