“Even though some of your friends might be gay, which is great, they are not ‘yours’. You do not own them. We are not cattle. We are not purses. And the next time you feel like saying ‘my gays’, replace it with ‘my blacks’ and see how that turns out.” – Andy Cohen gives “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” a piece of his mind. Somewhere, Kathy Griffin is shaking in her stilettos.
Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, which means we’re in for six more weeks of winter. But that wasn’t the only way last week was like the movie “Groundhog Day”. Once again, Rosie O’Donnell is leaving “The View”. Did I doze off and it’s 2007 again? If so, why can’t I fit into my old jeans? It’s all just a little bit of history repeating.
This time around, Rosie is ostensibly leaving the show for personal reasons. In a statement, O’Donnell’s rep revealed that Rosie and wife Michelle Rounds have been separated since November. Due to the imminent divorce, Rosie feels that her place is at home with her children. But is that the real reason? The couple has been separated for over three months and Rosie has worked the entire time. Rumor has it, this is a good way to bow out of another uncomfortable relationship. Despite what you may have heard, Ro’s departure has nothing to do with any of “The View” co-hosts. But it may have something to do with how things have been handled behind the scenes – culminating in how ABC attempted to jettison the other Rosie (Perez). We’re told that was last straw for O’Donnell, who pointedly told the brass that they might have to consider replacing BOTH Rosies. According to insiders, O’Donnell’s pressure forced the network to keep Perez on the payroll. Now, THAT’S a friend.
Elsewhere at ABC, Diane Sawyer has snagged the first interview with Bruce Jenner regarding his gender “transition”. Although the interview won’t air until May, other members of the family are speaking out. Jenner’s mom made the most revealing of statements: “I just learned about this. Bruce filled me in, and we had a very long, long talk about it. I am more proud of him now than when he stood on that podium and put the gold medal around his neck. He deserves all the respect.” Others are curious how this will affect his sex life. One insider adamantly added, “Bruce is not gay. He did not have sex with men while he was with Kris, and he does not have sex with men now. Bruce is not going through this transition to be a lesbian, either.” Let’s see if Diane goes there!
During an interview with Jimmy Kimmel, David Beckham shared a story about his daughter. “I just bathed her, and I was in the bath as well.” Let’s pause for a moment to wistfully envy David Beckham’s daughter. Moving on: “So I got her out, and was toweling her down, when she said, ‘Daddy, I love you, but I don’t like you. You’re so chubby!” After taking baths with Mrs. Beckham, aka Skeleton Spice, I suppose anyone is chubby.
In an unfortunate segue, I’m sure you’re all well aware of the Bobbi Kristina situation. But you may not know that another member of the Houston-Brown family is ailing. Famed singer (and psychic) Dionne Warwick was hospitalized after falling in the shower. I hate to say it, but perhaps the whole family needs to avoid bathrooms entirely!
This is not the first time we’ve had a story about hunky congressman Aaron Schock. But this time, he’s not showing off his enviable physique or wearing a turquoise belt. He’s in the midst of an investigation regarding his recently redecorated office – because straight politicians are so often the target of decorating scandals. OK, so the suite bears a striking resemblance to the red room in “Downton Abbey”, but that’s beside the point. The big no-no is that interior decorator Annie Brahler did the work for free. What’s Schock’s defense? He rambled on and on about how he’s not an “old crusty white guy” and that he loves vibrant colors. He ended his diatribe by saying, “When I go take a personal vacation, I don’t sit on the beach. I go do active things. And so, I’m also not going to live in a cave. So when I post an Instagram photo with me with my friends, as Taylor Swift said, ‘haters are gonna hate.'” That may be the gayest defense since the trials of Oscar Wilde.
Many of the e-mails we received this week were about the Super Bowl – and specifically about Rob Gronkowski. So our “Ask Billy” question comes from Justin in Colorado: “Where did this Gronk guy come from? He’s hot as f–k! I’m sure he’s not gay, but tell me you at least have some nude shots of him.”
Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski is certainly hot. He’s also open to playing with gays in the abstract: “If he’s being a great teammate and he’s a guy on the field doing a great job, well then you’ve got nothing to complain about. He’s another teammate and another friend.” But let’s put this in perspective. This is the same guy who ripped off another guy’s shirt while on a dance floor. And during a spirited game of “F–k-Marry-Kill”, he said he’d “eff” Tim Tebow to take his virginity. So who knows. But he’s failed my gay litmus test — he’s not quite sure who Betty White is! And, after watching him read erotic prose to Jimmy Kimmel, I’m fairly confident that he’s taken more than a few blows….to the head. As to nude photos, Gronk likes to show off his body – usually with strategically placed balls. You can get your fill at BillyMasters.com.
When David Beckham is giving me a chubby, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. Since we ran long, I only have a moment to remind you to check out www.BillyMasters.com – the site that tells everybody’s secrets. If you have a question you’d like me to answer, drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before someone leaks a video of Aaron Schock singing “Shake It Off” at karaoke! So, until next time, remember one man’s filth is another man’s bible.